Loyally Yours

It may sound crazy but I feel I am cheating on someone who does not even like me, who does not even know I have feelings for him (I think), when I entertain another person’s attention. This tendency to narrow my vision limits my options and may shut off better possibilities. Still, I cannot help it.

“The love that lasts is the one that is never returned,” said in one movie. It may be premature to label whatever I feel now as love because this feeling, it has been an ongoing thing and only the person involved changes — and not often, mind you. It spans years. Years of feelings that have been unrequited since, when was the last time I had an official boyfriend — 2004? Yes, that long. And if my math is accurate, there were seven men who were unfortunately subjected to my love (or whatever it was); some were documented here, some happened when I lost the drive to write daily. Poor men.

Anyway, the last unrequited saga ended in June. Being the hopelessly romantic that I am, days later I woke up thinking of someone and seeing him in the office corridor felt like a thousand butterflies woke up and danced in my stomach. Ding-dong, the crazy lady with all her feelings barreling toward a new guy is at it again. I’ve not looked back since.

I long stopped putting meaning and explanations to whatever action (or the lack of it) I receive from any man I fancy at a given moment. Men do not go very deep; I mean in terms of reading their feelings and reactions. As said in another movie, “If a guy treats you like he does not give a shit, he really does not give a shit.” I do not buy that men are shy, prefer it low-key (ergo if you’re loudly announcing it, they won’t like it, pssshhh), or intimidated (oh, this last one is the most bullshit of all, I’m telling you). If they like you, they will go for it. If they don’t, it’s only because they are not interested. Maybe not now, maybe not ever. And that’s what we have to live with. And we have turned down attention and affection from others so it’s somehow an even playing field.

Right now, in between going crazy over Wonder Woman and the Justice League (a woman’s gotta have other diversions!) and adulting, I’m living day by day with the enjoyment of this new subject of affection even if I can barely get a peep out of him. Some days the eye-candy and the presence are enough, some days I crave for longer, more personal conversations which may not come. But lucky him, and whoever the next one if this one passes without any success, because I’m definitely not going to look and consider other men while I’m at it. You can call it loyalty, I call it laziness. Either way, it’s still unrequited. Darn these men.

Say It

Someone shared this tweet of a fictional character over Twitter. So timely.

No matter how loud, how “confident”, how put-together someone appears to be, you must not forget that asking someone out still requires a certain amount of courage. It’s a form of putting one’s head on the chopping block. Remember Anna Scott’s question to Will Thacker?

The thing with a yes or no question is that it could go either way only. So when you find yourself saying no, sometimes in the form of not saying anything, still be kind. And still be there. Do not go away. You might change your mind. Even if you don’t, when the dust settles (aka when the question/invite/expectation stops), you may even get a laugh out of it. Life’s like that.

If you find yourself receiving yet another no, sometimes in the form of not saying anything, understand and accept, and still be kind. Still be there, but not in an insistent kind of way. Do not go away; there is nothing wrong in asking. You might change your mind and find yourself not wanting to ask anymore. When the dust settles, you may even get a laugh out of it. Life’s like that.

One day, you will muster the courage to ask again and you will get that elusive yes.

Hemming and Hawing

bitmoji-1972018012After a week of hemming and hawing, and a little wake up call from trusted friends, I am now laughing at the fact that the date I had last week is not getting another one. I don’t date very often so this is not so much a big deal but another worthy source of “Ano na namang pinasok mo, Juday” anecdotes in my sitcom of a life.

I wrote about it after it happened and reading it now, nah, it’s not worth publishing in its entirety. You know how they say you don’t rely on things you say when you’re emotional? So never mind. But many parts of it ring true:

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O di ba, parang first meeting lang ni VP Leni with President Duterte: it exceeded expectations! So yeah I did ask for the date because I’m an empowered woman (naks). Funny thing, that “coffee” thing was tricky. He thought I was presenting a business opportunity. NAKAKALOKA. But it was a good segue to make the invite more casual because I found the chance to joke about it and say, “Hindi ko tatanungin kung open-minded ka, inaaya kitang mag-date ano ka ba?!”

I have not done this dating thing in a while so I really don’t know if they changed the rules or what. It was only over coffee, meaning easier to bolt when things go awry. So when we’re there, parang shet, anong first question dapat? Good thing he started with the book that was on the table and from there he became the Boy Abunda the entire time (meaning he asked all the questions, hahaha).

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Looking back, I did say a lot about myself, and really, kung masama lang na tao yung date ko, OMG he can practically sell me out, and use my identity to be implicated in some crime. Hahaha! But I only cringed for a short time. Wala na, naidaldal ko na ang buhay ko eh. Plus he’s not that interested anyway so there’s even a chance he didn’t remember everything I said (though he might, matalino yon eh. Naks.) You know why I don’t bother? Coz I know in my heart it was only my “jittery Juday” reaction. Remember this?

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So sorry na lang, date.

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This is the part I’ve spent much hemming and hawing on. I told someone I very rarely feel this. So when I did, as much as I told myself never to expect, the silly expectation monster creeped in and waved its evil hand at me. See, this guy is so smart, makes strong cases about things even with what very little he posts on social media, and jeez, he types in complete sentences kahit pumapatol lang sa shallow issues (minsan napapadami ang emoticons but it’s okay, my love, hahaha). Intelligence is really a turn on for me and add to that yung konting smugness na hindi naman tipong inaalipusta ka na, okay? He’s all that and more. He was evasive in spilling some details (that was a red flag there) but in topics where general thoughts were needed, ay mga toto at inday, swooning ako. Deep inside lang.

Where was I? Yeah, the part where I did not feel the compulsion to impress, and all the first date/best foot forward shenanigans. Wala. Waley! And yes, I remember using ‘waley’ in one of my comments to him. WAY TO GO, JUDAY.

If all these reasons made me oddly comfortable, could it be the very same reasons why he became uninterested (or disinterested ba? Help.)? Maybe.

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I mentioned above how I lived off on very little I know about this person before meeting him again. So I’m open to the possibility that I might see something off or iffy na matuturn off ako talaga. But I know it’s God’s sense of humor at work. The guy was everything I made up in my head and more, like this little “MFEO yata tayo” moment:

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Although there is one thing that made me think a teeny tiny bit — when he told me I was brave, not once but thrice. Kinilig ako in a warrior kind of way (tapang daw eh), for it’s like a validation. “And you said yes”, I even remember telling him. It would have been clearer had he finished it off with what that katapangan meant to him. Without it it’s like (this is the proud side of me talking), ang tapang mo ha, to do this to me. It’s hard to fully convey but sometimes, I think about that. Kahit wala — waley — naman na magiging effect.

That, and the reality that it’s been a week and there’s nothing, and then there’s the rain. When he was paying the bill, I knew I wanted a second, a third, a fourth date. When we said our goodbyes, I knew there’s never gonna be a second one.

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I knew it that early. It took me a week to process it fully. The wait was agonizingly slow. Kahit at the back of my head wala naman na akong hinihintay.

I’m no longer in the business of dissecting what went wrong. The reason was simple. And once I (kind of) got past that, natatawa na lang ako sa sarili ko. Then I started remembering the little details. Plots B, C, and D kumbaga. Like hindi ko maexplain kung kinikilig ba ako talaga or because I needed to pee badly (I had tea latte, and hello, diuretic). Or when I cannot look at him (dahil kinikilig ako), napapatingin ako sa payong niya (it was raining hard when he came) at naisip ko, Ay, floral yung payong nya. Pero sloppy ang pagkakalagay dun sa plastic. Isinaksak na lang talaga sa loob. Hihihihi. We’re good.  And how he’s taller than I expected. At mahaba ang paa. So hmm, divided by 2 plus 2. Hahaha! #objectificationofmen 🙂 Mga ganyang kababawan that I didn’t gloss over much dahil overall, every word feels like a shooting star nga di ba?

I told myself I won’t be asking anymore. Tama na yung isang beses. Sometimes though, the stubborn part of me thinks, eh bakit hindi ko na kayang tanungin ulit? Bawal? That’s the struggle. It’s like applying for a job. Nainterview ka na. Ayaw ka nila. Humanap ka na ng ibang trabaho. The chances you will be given a second look and the decision will change? Possible but does not happen very often.

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This is not a unique experience. Braver people have done this many times that it doesn’t even merit talking about it. As for myself, it could have been a great one kasi. Could’ve been so beautiful, could’ve been so right, sabi nga ni Tiffany. That’s what I thought of it. I still like him a lot.

So why blog about it? Well, if I got a second date, I wouldn’t be talking about this. Eh waley. So, tadaaaaa! 🙂