It may sound crazy but I feel I am cheating on someone who does not even like me, who does not even know I have feelings for him (I think), when I entertain another person’s attention. This tendency to narrow my vision limits my options and may shut off better possibilities. Still, I cannot help it.
“The love that lasts is the one that is never returned,” said in one movie. It may be premature to label whatever I feel now as love because this feeling, it has been an ongoing thing and only the person involved changes — and not often, mind you. It spans years. Years of feelings that have been unrequited since, when was the last time I had an official boyfriend — 2004? Yes, that long. And if my math is accurate, there were seven men who were unfortunately subjected to my love (or whatever it was); some were documented here, some happened when I lost the drive to write daily. Poor men.
Anyway, the last unrequited saga ended in June. Being the hopelessly romantic that I am, days later I woke up thinking of someone and seeing him in the office corridor felt like a thousand butterflies woke up and danced in my stomach. Ding-dong, the crazy lady with all her feelings barreling toward a new guy is at it again. I’ve not looked back since.
I long stopped putting meaning and explanations to whatever action (or the lack of it) I receive from any man I fancy at a given moment. Men do not go very deep; I mean in terms of reading their feelings and reactions. As said in another movie, “If a guy treats you like he does not give a shit, he really does not give a shit.” I do not buy that men are shy, prefer it low-key (ergo if you’re loudly announcing it, they won’t like it, pssshhh), or intimidated (oh, this last one is the most bullshit of all, I’m telling you). If they like you, they will go for it. If they don’t, it’s only because they are not interested. Maybe not now, maybe not ever. And that’s what we have to live with. And we have turned down attention and affection from others so it’s somehow an even playing field.
Right now, in between going crazy over Wonder Woman and the Justice League (a woman’s gotta have other diversions!) and adulting, I’m living day by day with the enjoyment of this new subject of affection even if I can barely get a peep out of him. Some days the eye-candy and the presence are enough, some days I crave for longer, more personal conversations which may not come. But lucky him, and whoever the next one if this one passes without any success, because I’m definitely not going to look and consider other men while I’m at it. You can call it loyalty, I call it laziness. Either way, it’s still unrequited. Darn these men.