It Comes and Goes, Don’t Trust It

imageMy fuse has been shorter than usual lately. I don’t deny that there are times when my anger management reflects poorly on my personality and I’ve atoned for them many times over. Lately, I can only blame hormones for it.

Someone asked me recently if I don’t get tired being angry. I guess I didn’t comprehend the question that much for I answered no — I took it in the context of letting the anger linger which I don’t do. If you know me long enough, you may have witnessed how I flare up in one big burst and then it dies down immediately. What the questioner probably meant was with the frequency, does it ever take a toll on me. Now that my moods are very erratic, I should have answered yes, I do. Because it does get very tiring and more so when you cannot do anything about it.

I am suffering from PCOS and most literature points to hormonal imbalance as one of its effects. My acne breakout of epic proportions early this year was a red waving flag. I still refuse to get medication though because, and this may seem very misguided, I don’t want medications to supposedly fix my reproductive system. I just don’t want to mess it up by introducing drugs. Very misguided, I know. Let us discuss that later.

The outlet that social media provides is healthy. There’s the TMI vs. form of release schools of thought on this, but if you are one to get relief, no matter how momentary, from spilling it out in lieu of an actual person to vent to, then I am totally for it.

For every Twitter meltdown I did, guilt came right after. And the embarrassment of how bipolar I may appear to some because after the end of whiny posts, I will RT or QT something totally upbeat and silly. Hormones, I guess?  Yeah, hormones.

Right now I am thankful to have friends tolerating my cyclical rants. They can be my personal psychologists, too, but with the underlying acceptance that at the end of the day, I will do my own thing anyway.

They say that happiness is an attitude. I find it hard to pivot my feelings to that direction lately. One of my bestfriends said I wasn’t like this for months now — distraction was key, perhaps. I know I can always do other things and distract myself from my routine. It really does work, you know. My struggle now is that I cannot find the will to make that one crucial step towards fighting it. I am not sure why and why for, but I do get pissed very easily lately. And the worse part is, now, I’m not even sorry.

Let me check back on this again in the next few weeks. I hope I have not made many enemies and burned bridges by then.