The Plague of the Vague

img_33761One good thing with our social media accounts is how we can post something, anything, that can be for someone without actually naming that someone. We are all treated to this everyday, and let’s admit it, there are times when the angry ones are the juicier ones, the more that catches our attention. On the other end, when you post something non-warfreakish with a person in mind, we carefully craft it albeit vaguely, but it reeks of ‘This is for you, hope you get it” undertones. If the person is dense or uninterested, your message will just be liked by equally clueless friends (because that’s what they’re there for, minsan kahit hindi nabasa, like lang agad — nasa friendship code ba yan?!), and will be drowned by more pressing posts. In short, mapapanis. :-p Lucky for you if the intended recipient read it yet didn’t do anything. Luckier if the intended read it, got it, and sprang into action. Ang haba ng buhok mo, girl. Ang pogi mo, boy.

On the other hand,  your “vaguely crafted” message will also be read by people other than the intended recipient, unless you restrict it to just the two of you (which will beg the question, hello, how psycho can you get?!). If it is a declaration of feelings, a pronouncement of whatever bubbling up inside, a subtle invite – lahat yan will be open to interpretation, and you have to be prepared for these, erm, possibilities. Particularly with regard to invites, we can be so engrossed hitting our target, tapos iba ang tinamaan. A different one took you up on it. That will be so awkward to decline. Sige nga, ngayon ka magmaganda.

This blog post is a big obvious example of such vagueness. (Sana nga na-gets mo.)

This is exactly what I thought as one of the downsides of being vague. There, the very lazy word sana.

Life is too short and the cyberspace is so vast to not be specific. The vagueness protects us from putting down all our cards on the table, it allows us to guard our heart, but at what cost?

 

Rethink

Someone told me that in order to exorcise someone from your system, try to set aside the romantic aspect of your feelings and think of him as a friend. I mean, ask yourself, “If I am not romantically attracted to this person, would I be friends with him?”

Applying it to my case, the answer is I don’t know. Really. Because I knew him and it was built around the perceived him which was thankfully substantiated by what he showed me and how he treated me.

All great relationships are rooted in great friendships. I believe that. You need not be friends for a long time though. Maybe it’s something that you develop as you go along. So I hope I didn’t scare him enough to not want to even be friends with me. Masaya akong kasama, sabi ng iba, so feeling ko carrybells naman ako maging friend. Hahaha!

If at some point this takes a turn for the better, well and good. If it doesn’t, which looking at it parang ganoon na nga, at least I can look at him in the future and tell him, “Remember that time na gusto kita at inaya pa kita mag-date?” And then we’ll both laugh.

But I’m not there yet. A friend texted today, “Delay is not denial, so keep on praying.” I’m still at it. In the meantime, magbabasa na lang muna ako ng libro as I wait for it. Whatever that IT is.

Chillax

The second half of the year is shaping up pretty well. It’s a validation of sorts that people stop me now to talk about the date and immediately after that comes tiny twitches of regret that I wrote about it and was it even worth it. And then I sleep and eat fries and meh, it’s okay, I guess.

image

I often joke that whenever great things happen at work, each one takes away twice the potential in my romantic life. That’s absurd, of course, and God does not take one to give one — it’s possible to have both at the same time. Not all the time but…you get the drift.

That said, one possible training is in the offing again although nothing is set in stone yet. There’s a competitive nomination process, for one. If and when I’ll be lucky to get a spot, that scraps my Penang plans in November — unless there’s a possibility of squeezing it on a three-day weekend which I know isn’t possible. If not, then back to the almost-made Penang drawing board which my friend RG helped me with given that he went last year and took amazing photos.

Operational changes are also in full swing at work and even though I still struggle to get them all in my (literally) big head, it’s exciting to be a part of something like it. Operations management is not my strong suit; I’ve always been the correspondence and social media person, so getting out of this small comfort zone is exhilarating if you’re called in to participate at the right moment.

As much as I contemplate working on my romantic life again, I cannot put sufficient energy to do it yet. I’m still reeling, you know. My very concerned friends had a lot to say but they also know I ultimately do not listen to them anyway. I never did. Buhay ko naman ito, walang pakialamanan. LOL

It’s not that I felt bad because maybe I did, parang noong ilang beses ako nag-apply sa (insert agency) and was turned down thrice (pero nakamove on na ako doon, I swear, lalo na when I see they’re more physically tired than us, hahaha). But there’s more “ok lang” than the heavy feeling. Either I have matured or sadyang makapal lang talaga ang aking mukha.

I guess I’m just this big spark douser that when I opened my mouth and showed my personality, whatever tiny possibility there was was prematurely put off. Wala naman pinagkaiba yan, reversely, when there were guys before who’d show me affection and I was, eeehh, sorry, but I still like to be your friend! Yung isa nga doon ‘sis’ na ako kung tawagin ngayon, o di ba? Nagevolve na kami. 🙂

I am at that umay myself to pieces phase, taking everything I have related to it, and inuumay ko yung sarili ko by looking at it, thinking about it, for when it’s at its peak, the next morning, hopefully, the feelings will be gone. It has not happened yet. I’m not a fan of forcing myself to forget because they never work. Plasticada ng taon ang peg tapos at the end of the day, gusto pa rin naman pala. Gaga lang. So yes, just let it flow, ride the wave, until it subsides. After all, there are far too many things to do. Yung tinatawag na ADULTING ng mga bagets at hipster.

More importantly, there are more relevant things happening in the world, may it be here in the home front or overseas. The world just cannot catch a break. Humanity just cannot catch a break. We may not be in the position of power but as simple as praying for the world may help. And then educate ourselves and if possible, critically engage. If not up to it, it’s okay, too. Wala naman masama mag-chillax lang.

Hemming and Hawing

bitmoji-1972018012After a week of hemming and hawing, and a little wake up call from trusted friends, I am now laughing at the fact that the date I had last week is not getting another one. I don’t date very often so this is not so much a big deal but another worthy source of “Ano na namang pinasok mo, Juday” anecdotes in my sitcom of a life.

I wrote about it after it happened and reading it now, nah, it’s not worth publishing in its entirety. You know how they say you don’t rely on things you say when you’re emotional? So never mind. But many parts of it ring true:

IMG_20160706_225456_501

 

O di ba, parang first meeting lang ni VP Leni with President Duterte: it exceeded expectations! So yeah I did ask for the date because I’m an empowered woman (naks). Funny thing, that “coffee” thing was tricky. He thought I was presenting a business opportunity. NAKAKALOKA. But it was a good segue to make the invite more casual because I found the chance to joke about it and say, “Hindi ko tatanungin kung open-minded ka, inaaya kitang mag-date ano ka ba?!”

I have not done this dating thing in a while so I really don’t know if they changed the rules or what. It was only over coffee, meaning easier to bolt when things go awry. So when we’re there, parang shet, anong first question dapat? Good thing he started with the book that was on the table and from there he became the Boy Abunda the entire time (meaning he asked all the questions, hahaha).

IMG_20160706_225512_273

Looking back, I did say a lot about myself, and really, kung masama lang na tao yung date ko, OMG he can practically sell me out, and use my identity to be implicated in some crime. Hahaha! But I only cringed for a short time. Wala na, naidaldal ko na ang buhay ko eh. Plus he’s not that interested anyway so there’s even a chance he didn’t remember everything I said (though he might, matalino yon eh. Naks.) You know why I don’t bother? Coz I know in my heart it was only my “jittery Juday” reaction. Remember this?

WP_20140212_001

So sorry na lang, date.

IMG_20160706_225549_112

This is the part I’ve spent much hemming and hawing on. I told someone I very rarely feel this. So when I did, as much as I told myself never to expect, the silly expectation monster creeped in and waved its evil hand at me. See, this guy is so smart, makes strong cases about things even with what very little he posts on social media, and jeez, he types in complete sentences kahit pumapatol lang sa shallow issues (minsan napapadami ang emoticons but it’s okay, my love, hahaha). Intelligence is really a turn on for me and add to that yung konting smugness na hindi naman tipong inaalipusta ka na, okay? He’s all that and more. He was evasive in spilling some details (that was a red flag there) but in topics where general thoughts were needed, ay mga toto at inday, swooning ako. Deep inside lang.

Where was I? Yeah, the part where I did not feel the compulsion to impress, and all the first date/best foot forward shenanigans. Wala. Waley! And yes, I remember using ‘waley’ in one of my comments to him. WAY TO GO, JUDAY.

If all these reasons made me oddly comfortable, could it be the very same reasons why he became uninterested (or disinterested ba? Help.)? Maybe.

IMG_20160706_225525_319

I mentioned above how I lived off on very little I know about this person before meeting him again. So I’m open to the possibility that I might see something off or iffy na matuturn off ako talaga. But I know it’s God’s sense of humor at work. The guy was everything I made up in my head and more, like this little “MFEO yata tayo” moment:

IMG_20160710_222040_430

Although there is one thing that made me think a teeny tiny bit — when he told me I was brave, not once but thrice. Kinilig ako in a warrior kind of way (tapang daw eh), for it’s like a validation. “And you said yes”, I even remember telling him. It would have been clearer had he finished it off with what that katapangan meant to him. Without it it’s like (this is the proud side of me talking), ang tapang mo ha, to do this to me. It’s hard to fully convey but sometimes, I think about that. Kahit wala — waley — naman na magiging effect.

That, and the reality that it’s been a week and there’s nothing, and then there’s the rain. When he was paying the bill, I knew I wanted a second, a third, a fourth date. When we said our goodbyes, I knew there’s never gonna be a second one.

bitmoji437177819

I knew it that early. It took me a week to process it fully. The wait was agonizingly slow. Kahit at the back of my head wala naman na akong hinihintay.

I’m no longer in the business of dissecting what went wrong. The reason was simple. And once I (kind of) got past that, natatawa na lang ako sa sarili ko. Then I started remembering the little details. Plots B, C, and D kumbaga. Like hindi ko maexplain kung kinikilig ba ako talaga or because I needed to pee badly (I had tea latte, and hello, diuretic). Or when I cannot look at him (dahil kinikilig ako), napapatingin ako sa payong niya (it was raining hard when he came) at naisip ko, Ay, floral yung payong nya. Pero sloppy ang pagkakalagay dun sa plastic. Isinaksak na lang talaga sa loob. Hihihihi. We’re good.  And how he’s taller than I expected. At mahaba ang paa. So hmm, divided by 2 plus 2. Hahaha! #objectificationofmen 🙂 Mga ganyang kababawan that I didn’t gloss over much dahil overall, every word feels like a shooting star nga di ba?

I told myself I won’t be asking anymore. Tama na yung isang beses. Sometimes though, the stubborn part of me thinks, eh bakit hindi ko na kayang tanungin ulit? Bawal? That’s the struggle. It’s like applying for a job. Nainterview ka na. Ayaw ka nila. Humanap ka na ng ibang trabaho. The chances you will be given a second look and the decision will change? Possible but does not happen very often.

bitmoji-2008112098

This is not a unique experience. Braver people have done this many times that it doesn’t even merit talking about it. As for myself, it could have been a great one kasi. Could’ve been so beautiful, could’ve been so right, sabi nga ni Tiffany. That’s what I thought of it. I still like him a lot.

So why blog about it? Well, if I got a second date, I wouldn’t be talking about this. Eh waley. So, tadaaaaa! 🙂

The Day I Gave Up Online Dating for Netflix

ehfornetflix

Logos lifted from okcupid.com, eharmony.com, tinder.com, iflix.com, and netflix.com. The cartoonized me is from Bitmoji.

With finality, I can say that I am done with online dating.  There wasn’t any “dating” that occurred in almost two years anyway. And before I believe (and you conclude, you heartless judgmental monsters LOL) that there is something fundamentally wrong with me let me tell you: most of its failure was for lack of trying.

Online dating sites are great. I know people, friends, who have successfully built happy unions that started via online dating. I encounter too many of them at work, too. They do work. But it’s not for everyone.

I had the guts to finally pay for an account in 2014 because it was almost Christmas and heck, I needed diversions. I forgot how much exactly but it was probably around $25, a one-time payment for one year. It allowed me to view photos, make my profile viewable to paid account holders, and jump to the direct messaging option than wait four to five stages of pre-made questions and answers. Then when my one-year fee ended, there’s a retainer of $5.95 a month. Not bad, ‘no? Not bad.

It was exciting at first. I “talked” to a few guys and siguro for lack of having someone who paid me attention, lahat sila interesting. Go lang, choosy pa ba? I talked to a teacher in Hawaii, a martial arts instructor in Fresno, some government guy in Virginia. I forgot why exactly they didn’t prosper. One guy I cannot forget was the most polite online sex proposition I got. When I made it known I wasn’t into it (not yet at least; first night ng usapan, ganun agad nagmamadali, may lakad beh???), he politely said thanks and goodbye, and wished me well in my online dating journey. Made me think, grabe talaga ang Canadians, kahit online predator activities, ang galang pa din nila.

I simultaneously signed up for a free account in another site and it became my “local’ searching site. Medyo mabenta naman ako doon but for very short conversations. Yung iba pa jejemon. I mean, sorry ha, kelangan talaga ang salitang “sabi” maging “sv” and ang “kuya” maging “kua”? Kuwa ang pronunciation doon, tigilan nyo nga ako! /rantover

It was also there where I met someone potentially okay pero — I didn’t even try that hard to research — a simple Google search yielded a child molestation record. It was in the past and I know people must be given opportunities to change but…sorry. I also talked to someone who writes for a news website (one of the more mind-stimulating chats I had in recent memory; lasted a few days; mutual decision naman na tamarin magcontinue so it’s okay) and one also writes for print media. Both of them follow me in my social networks now. Ok lang kami. We’re cool.

Then came Tinder. Ah, Tinder. I posted about this before:

tinderthought

Tinder was prospect-laden than most and to think it’s a free app. I also happened to try it fully when I was in the States in January and wow ha, if only for validation and score in the hookup barometer, ang daming lalaki!!! Hahaha! It’s a hookup site so location is material. I moved in three states in two weeks so mahirap yung iba masustain. Two guys came close and in one nagmaganda ako even though I had the leverage naman to say no. I was supposed to meet him at an independent bookstore in North Beach but put it off at the last minute. In hindsight it’s a combination of low self-esteem and weakness to say no. Kaladkarin nga ako di ba. So better nip it while I still can. Baka maging sex slave naman ako nyan without me knowing. The other one was completing his PhD in Archaeology so you can just imagine all the “digging and excavation” undertones in our chats. Hihihi. Let us leave it at that. LOL. Both instances though, wala din.

Okay, so why did I say I’m done with this whole thing?

It’s not really for me. I have poured my energy on things and activities I wanted and I got results. I am no longer thinking hindi ako mabenta or anything because I AM NOT A FRIGGIN’ COMMODITY. I put in irregular effort and time into them, and there were times babalikan ko lang ulit and ica-career when I hear someone na may bagong guy na kausap (momentary inggit factor, in short).

More importantly, through all the times I was searching online, there’s a guy I like at the back of my head. I was waiting for him to come back from his trip and then he did, so maybe I have been focusing on that rather than pursuing online prospects. And in general, you know how it is — when you have that guy, you tend to go back to him, the imagined him, the memory of him, regardless whether you have a hundred different sites you’re a member of. Kalokohang phantom loyalty, alam nyo na.

Again, it may not have worked for me but it did and it will for others. If you are still single, try it. Except for a few thousand pesos na pwede mo kitain ulit, wala naman mawawala. Iba din ang experience.

Now that I gave up my paid online dating account, I used the money to pay for what really makes my heart and mind rested and happy — TV shows and movie streaming! Netflix charges  Php370 a month while iFlix charges Php130. Each has extensive TV shows and film collections, original series, documentaries, and local shows. Too many shows, too little time indeed.

Is it worth the investment change? Definitely yes.

Online dating isn’t for me but video streaming? It will always bring me joy. If you were me, obvious naman ano pipiliin mo di ba?

My 30-Hour-a-Week Lover

I wrote this 2 years ago. I don’t think my preference has significantly changed.

Quality - Quantity (2)

Halata ba na gumamit ako ng Canva?

I meant to share this crazy computation since I conceived it one humid commute along Quirino Avenue. This was borne out of an impression that a man may think I would be clingy and may demand most of his time when we get into a relationship. I know I do not need to break it down like this but, just for fun, let me show you how easy it is to be with me. Well, THAT IS if you hate clinginess (is this even a word), Saran wrappiness (maybe not a legit word), and all that jazz. If you are the kind of man who is into tethering your girlfriend 24/7 to your man-shirt and man-pants, then it is a different story, and more importantly, I do not want to be with you.

See, we have 168 hours in one week. I am gainfully employed, with average social interactions outside of work, and so into television shows and books. So, in a week, I devote:

  • 49 hours   – Sleeping. I am not young in that I can no longer stay up until 3 am and go to work the next day. I have to get 6-7 hours of sleep per night if I don’t want to get sick on the 4th or 5th day of the week. I treasure weekends when I can sleep in longer.
  • 45 hours   – Working. Which includes my lunch break. I may stay beyond that but I don’t count them as work, being that I am only paid for 8 hours a day.
  • 12 hours   – Commuting. This is an average of the total time I spend five days a week going to and from work and my regular weekend plans, which means no out of towns.
  • 12 hours   – Reading. This is a conservative average. It could go higher but I try not to get too invested in faeries, necromancers, political spies, horny billionaires, and demon slayers, so let’s keep it at that.
  • 7 hours   – Watching TV or movies. Again, a conservative average.
  • 5 hours   – Socials. I have to have time with my friends and not always with you, my lover.
  • 8 hours   – Personal time. This includes actual grooming time and other lady quirks. But it’s only roughly one point something hours a day. I do not wear makeup other than lipstick which always gets smudged off when I eat my cheese bread in the morning so I don’t need much time beyond taking a bath and other personal, TMI activities.

If we add them up, that’s 138 hours in a week. That leaves me 30 hours to be with you.

Just 30 hours. You are free to suggest whatever we can do during this time.  I could make adjustments and include you in other activities like commuting, watching movies, socials, and sleeping (that is 49 hours I am willing to devote not purely to sleeping, wink wink). At best, this is what I can offer.

Kidding aside (well, who says I am kidding in the first place?), it only means there are forms of freedom I can no longer give up. And I think it is healthy to have something like that. Some may say I am actually busy with all these things going on in my life. But if you focus on that 30 hours, that is still a void.

Just putting it out there because even with all these fun times, sometimes it can still get pretty boring and sad. Now don’t tell me be careful what you wish for because you just might get it (just might get it); don’t ruin it yet. It’s only 30 hours I’m trying to fill.

However, if you want to be with me longer, we can talk about it. Madali naman ako kausap.

The Sweetest Fun

It was November last year when I started thinking of someone more often than usual. The ebbs and flows have been intense, and then not, and then it’s back again. In between working and extra-curriculars, trips and what-nots, of dead-end attempts to exchange Facebook messages, it’s pretty safe to say, I made it one year of this good feeling.

The difference is that this one is not within my immediate compound, one that I am prone to see, accidentally or otherwise. So I do not know if this bodes well in my favor or not, seeing that all my attempts have been naught anyway.

See, this is the same kind of routine that only changes the other personality involved. I do not know why I gladly go through this again and again. I mean, in the words of Bachelor Girl:

  • walking under a bus
  • getting hit by a train
  • sinking down at sea
  • crashing my car
  • going insane

It feels so good you just do it over and over, as if you’re on a trampoline.

Standardized

Things happened and they were many. Of them all, one stood out to me recently.

It was a very random afternoon at work, and I don’t know what led us (I mean me, one of my teammates and our acting admin assistant) to talk about relationships and starting a family. My lack of it prompted one to tell me:

Para kasing ang taas ng standard mo.

Kung binaba mo na dito (motions to the level of the table)

Ibaba mo pa dito (motions lower, almost floor-level).

Panigurado, may makikita ka na.

~ * ~

I long stopped explaining how and why I believe standards don’t exist because romantic feelings come as if a switch was powered on.

And as much as I am grateful that people see me as someone who must be lived up to, I still cannot see how it works in my favor.

~ * ~

I smiled and turned away from the conversation. I needed to pee.

Okay.

Sometimes in life, things said or actions done would offend us. As time passes, we will feel that we didn’t necessarily forget them, and chances are we really won’t, but they will be easier to bear. Easier to shrug them off and push them somewhere not near us. It’s still there, still valid, but we choose not to dwell on it anymore.

Because when things start going back to whatever kind of normal there was, when we find ourselves smiling again, we will find it easier to go through each day.

It’s just pride. Sometimes we hold on so much to a conviction that we end up depriving ourselves of whatever little form of happiness we could get. Again, letting it go and flow does not cancel out our feeling bad. We just chose to be on the happier side.

Someday, probably soon, I may still tell him I really got offended. But when things are starting to go back to being okay, it won’t work to my advantage, happiness-wise, if I still dwell and squeeze an apology because of something that even someone important to me said my self-esteem “should have handled like a boss.”

Nothing is still happening and with all likelihood nothing ever will [plus it’s not as if I’m not used to this kind of crazy ‘stagnation’ – lol] but right now, it’s going back to being good enough for now. And it’s okay.

March Demarche

The first quarter of 2014 is over, you guys. However, unlike previous first quarters, this one, at least for me, felt full and the pace was just right.

Everything’s peachy on the work front, save for small moments of whoopsies and wake up calls which were remedied by getting Foreign Affairs Manual refreshers (nothing too complicated though), and of course, the three letter word which entails an amount with a f*****g lot of f*****g zeroes (inevitable, next to death). Most of my mornings were spent checking what happened to the Malaysia Airlines plane that went missing, until I got bored. So yeah, same old, same old.

I am happy with my reading pace. My book-buying rate is relatively the same, although times are harder so when I say I have to choose between food and books, now it’s true — back then, when I was more liquid, it’s books versus letting go of second lunches or third cups of coffee for the day; now it’s buy this or have dinner. It’s worse because I discovered the awesomeness of graphic novels, which are relatively more expensive tomes, darnit. Oh well, someday, I’m going to look back at this part of my life and simply laugh while sitting on my golden throne surrounded by my beloved books.

As for my couch potato self, it’s time to re-focus on each of my regularly-watched TV shows because the season is wrapping up, which means reflect on surprise!deaths! and possible season finale plots before the Spring and Summer shows begin. I learned to drop shows (Bitten, The 100, Agents of Shield, Rake) and limit my comfort zone. I figured I could always go back to whatever I missed.

My heart was a little broken a few days ago and I brushed it off and charged it to experience, because that’s what Liz Lemon would do.

Nonetheless, let me say, there are bazillions of wittier ways to deflect a joke, but what I got was a painful zing that boomeranged in my face very fast. Open mics are fun yet dangerous traps, and reactions could go either way, but dude, plenty of classy, funny ways to deflect. I only said a name then went right on to a very boring invite to a basketball game intended for everyone in the room. I tried hard to discredit my pride because I’m almost always too narcissistic but as the day progressed, and even the day after, people were commenting on the uncoolness of it, so I realized, OH SHIT. So yeah, that hurt because it came from someone I really really like. If it’s just a random person I would have just punched him/her in the face IN MY HEAD-repeat-IN MY HEAD – then move on. But no.  Anyway, Milky Way….

Suffice to say, I had fun with the last three months; overall, it’s a cool one. Not perfect because nothing is. For now, I’m looking forward to more laughter-filled days, ways to learn how to save, eat less (yeah right, Judie, you’re funny), and walk more, and not die in this heat. I still live in the same apartment where the summer sun’s ray of death is aimed at my room, directly at my airconditioning unit, from 10 am to 3 pm. So yeah, goodbye daytime coolness. I hope with proper hydration, I’d actually lose weight from sweating and I would just be standing in place. That’s the hope.

I wish you rainbows and cold summer nights, my friends. Hugs and more hugs.

p.s. I actually do not have a point in using demarche on the title. I just needed something to rhyme with March. Yo boi.

Humor me.

My Facebook newsfeed last night was rife with the survey saying most people prefer humor over good looks. I am not one to believe in surveys but I would also choose the same if asked. My penchant for self-deprecation aside, life has shown me that really, at the end of the road, it’s your personality that matters. Sometimes it’s just fun poking holes at these truths because once a month you get hormonal and your self-esteem hits an all-time low.

Anyway, it brings to mind the book I just finished reading, CarlJoe Javier’s The Kobayashi Maru of Love. It’s not a sci-fi romance as I thought it was. It’s simply a chunk of life of the author pre, during, and post one romantic relationship which really affected him. The Star Trek reference was because the author’s a self-proclaimed geek which he got to tie around the narrative anyway. It’s seldom for me to read about a man’s POV about these things so I got curious. I learned that males and females share the same feelings about being in a relationship, breaking up, and dating, and really, I saw myself in some of the situations he got himself into, particularly this:

WP_20140212_001

See, not a few have told me I am funny and bubbly. I personally believe it, too. I am quiet at first but when I feel enough comfort to peel that layer off, I’d be noisy and I can be pretty much a talker. I’m wired that way. However, sometimes, I fail to keep my words and tone in check that I come off condescending and rude.

There’s this guy I really like who is talkative, smart, and funny as hell so you know, I always feel the need to keep conversations going even when I was just a blathering idiot sometimes. I pull it off naman but sometimes I think in an effort to be funny, to counter a banter, I sound condescending. I know he may or may not be serious when he commented, in jest, that some things I said were racist but I know they were. I knew it the moment they escaped my lips. Thing is, it’s never my intention. There are jokes na naitatawid mo in Tagalog which sound funny and not hurtful. Should I factor in my nervousness because, taking it from the image above, I only wanted to be liked? Maybe. Maybe not. What I am afraid to find out is what if I am really like that pala ano?

Anyway, I am happy with the way things are going in my life, save for this intermittent craziness and insecurities which, I assure, are very short-lived. As short-lived as after getting milk tea, it goes away. But seriously, this facade of snapping easily, of showing I can perfectly hold it on my own, while true, are vibes I give off  cemented by years of being alone. No one has been there to tell me it’s okay to not be in charge all the time. Wala eh. I once wrote in my journal that a future boyfriend only has to spare 30 hours a week, give or take, being in a relationship with me. This is to argue against comments that being in a relationship takes a lot of your time. Remind me to show you my silly computation. My other point there probably is sometimes, my needs are as simple as cuddling when you can spare me some time (hugs are the best, admit it). A passionate kiss. A great meal. A hearty laugh over a conversation. Amazing sex, if not too much to ask. That basic, for I have things to do, too. Kaya lang, wala eh. Nyehehe. 😛

My friend R always comes across romantic relationships in her work and sometimes we would question how come some women barely did anything (well, is flashing men on webcams a thing?) yet they have something we are still working so hard to get. Life is unfair, that’s a fact. Sometimes, the waiting part is unbearable and the “the best is yet to come” consolation is a bullshit ploy to keep you from questioning the universe. Don’t get me wrong, I am fine now than in my twenties with this singlehood thing but the longing does not go away, it only gets easier to handle. All the trying, all the putting yourself on the chopping block of pain, they only get manageable through time — they have the same result anyway. I’ve been unsuccessful a lot of times that really, I once told someone when a guy reciprocates romantic feelings, I wouldn’t know what to do and would even say, “Wait, wait, this is not normal!” Lately, I learned how to laugh at myself for all my flubs and blunders. They are good sitcom material, I’m telling you.

So see, this might explain more of my blabbering like Honey Boo Boo on a double sugar rush when I’m with someone I like. I wish I could put a sign on my back that says, “I’m nicer and more normal when I go beyond this kilig phase.” Tao lang.

Anyhoo, enjoy tomorrow! It’s Friday. And to some, it’s payday. Right? 🙂

January Wrap Up

One month down, eleven to go!

The first month of the year swished just like that. It was fun though. And fast.

Let’s see, what was I up to last month?

January holds a soft spot for me mainly because of my birthday. Cash-strapped but adventurous, I managed to enjoy my 32nd birthday up at a mountain in Benguet. The first two weeks of January were actually spent scrimping and buying [yes, that’s possible], and mostly preparing for the Mt. Pulag trip. Not so much, physically…to the detriment of my legs. But I survived. My separate blog update is still in the works so I will link it up when it’s done [hopefully, within this century].

One hour into the trek, we saw this. This does not do the place justice. It's majestic, magnificent, and when we went, insanely cold.

One hour into the trek, we saw this. This photo does not do the place justice. It’s majestic, magnificent, and when we went, insanely cold.

I started the year on staycation because of forfeitable leave credits from last year. I cut it short by two days, much to our office timekeeper’s cute annoyance, because I got bored. Yes. I got bored. Plus it was crazy hot that week. Had it been this semi-chilly, I would not even think about the office.

My book haul is at a modest six — five bought, one received as a gift. I think it was conservatively countered by my Kindle. I don’t want to speak prematurely though. As I said, we have eleven months to go.

Four out of six books hauled in January. I picked up MIDWIVES to add to my Chris Bohjalian pile, WEAVEWORLD to add to my Clive Barker I-will-see-you-in-my-horror-reading-month pile, FAR NORTH by Marcel Theroux because it's dystopian that's less mainstream, and WICKETT'S REMEDY because I need something to pair with Midwives to avail the Buy One, Take One sale. Not in photo are JOYLAND by Stephen King [gift] and THE ANTHOLOGIST by Nicholson Baker.

Four out of six books hauled in January. I picked up MIDWIVES to add to my Chris Bohjalian pile, WEAVEWORLD to add to my Clive Barker I-will-see-you-in-my-horror-reading-month pile, FAR NORTH by Marcel Theroux because it’s dystopian that’s less mainstream, and WICKETT’S REMEDY because I need something to pair with Midwives to avail the Buy One, Take One sale. Not in photo are JOYLAND by Stephen King [gift] and THE ANTHOLOGIST by Nicholson Baker.

As for books read last month, I book-ended it with 7 books. That’s just right for my 75-book challenge this year. I try to keep a sane balance between e-books [a swooning post about S. Eloise, my Paperwhite, is in the works, too] and printed books so as not to start a jealous fit. Yes, my thick, thin, page-foxing books have feelings!

One highlight of the last month was the first book session of my book club at The Bayleaf Hotel in Intramuros. I loved it! I also cannot forget the yumminess of 9 Spoons’ tokwa’t bagnet. It’s a take on tokwa’t baboy but they substituted, obviously, bagnet, but more than that, the vinegary spice made a huge difference. The flavor seeps through the bagnet strips and tokwa cubes. Oh man, I’m drooling just typing about it. Will definitely come back. You can actually order off the 9 Spoons menu even when you are at the SkyDeck. It made the experience more interesting. Hint to my future date! Although it probably wouldn’t be wise to ravage tokwa’t bagnet on a first date. 🙂

Taken from the Skydeck of The Bayleaf Hotel in Intramuros. I love my city!

Taken from the Skydeck of The Bayleaf Hotel in Intramuros. I love my city!

On the work front, I marked my 11th year in the office. There are days when I think it’s time to move on, move forward. I don’t know; it comes and goes. I’ll see. As always, I will actively seek and wait for the chance to present itself. I also welcomed a new staff so if only for this new addition, this change, there’s something fresh to look forward to. Plus yummy friend is going back to the building in a two weeks! My lunchmate will be back.

Speaking of people, someone makes me smile everyday, more often lately.  Meh, I’m just going to enjoy it. And of course if I’m doing anything else about it, I will not tell you. Well, that is, assuming you are interested.

So, how have you been?