Citizen Judie · Reflective Judie

History, again.

I took this quote from my tumblr.  In its literal sense, I very rarely express preference for anything about theoretical history, only in less deeper forms of literature, but this quote struck me.  History is relative and its meaning is as vague as it can get – as you pick up from the specifications of “of what” and “of whom”, it will surely fan out fast.  A year ago, I found another passage related to the quote above, and made me say, “Oh, yeah.”

“History is what it is. You’ve got to understand it, take responsibility for it, and overcome it. You must avoid self-flagellation as much as historical blindness or an air of superiority. The best antidote to the politicization of memory is good history. We must hide nothing, teach everything, communicate everything, and draw constantly updated lessons for the future.”

History Strikes Back: How States, Nations, And Conflicts Are Shaping The 21st Century by Hubert Védrine

So, is this my cue to look back and lay out what I learned and did not learn so far?

Reflective Judie · Romantic Judie

Love yourself.

Someone said you can never love someone unless you love yourself first.

See, I think I love myself too much. My top priority is myself.

It may explain why a romantic partner remains elusive to me now.  I love myself so much that the universe feels I am giving twice the amount of love I deserve in this lifetime.

Makes sense, doesn’t it?

Anyway, I have to be honest now.  Yes, I feel sad sometimes and yes, I question why others find it so easy to have a relationship, or relationships, but sometimes, I just pretend I feel affected by it because conventionally, single women in their late twenties normally gripe about it.  In truth, there are times I don’t give a rat’s ass.

I guess there is a big part of me that remains unquenched and no, not a romantic life can sate it.  It’s so big that it comprises most of my daydreams. It’s never an obligation to share your secret fantasies but for the sake of having something to contribute, I just tell people I also think of a man and all the fairy tale-y stuff that usually comes with it. Don’t get me wrong.  I do think about someone, or a few people (depending on my mood, hahaha!), but give me a slice of other priorities, even as shallow as TV shows or salacious celebrity gossip, and all the romantic fantasies go away.  I get distracted easily.

So what do I really think about, you may ask.

My mother accidentally read a journal where I wrote down my name beside fictitious (for now, at least?) job titles, names of international organizations, and addresses both here and abroad.  I do them to entertain myself.  She said if it’s what I really want, nothing’s stopping me.  That statement has a slew of subordinate issues and I won’t discuss them here because they’re not related to the point I’m making anyway.

So, really, I want to experience leaving. I want to explore.  I want to be one of those women who lives on one suitcase after another, hops from one destination to another, runs on office hallways on heels, complains that 24 hours are not enough.  I don’t aspire to be a superwoman, I don’t have world dominatix plans in my head.  I just want be up and about, I want to be more mobile.

You may say, you can have both. I mean, the kind of woman I want myself to be may also have a partner.  It’s not like you can only have one at a time. Yeah, I do believe that, and I totally support it.  But this is where my extreme self-love comes into play.  I don’t know what to do if one arrives in my doorstep while the main one is there.  And lest I didn’t make it clear, my “main” one is what I want to happen in my life, not a partner.

Of course, I still wish to be loved, to have a partner, to be married, to be a mother. But not now.  I may get hurt by experiences in that department but I get over it easily.  If there were lingering reactions, it’s not anymore about what happened or what did not happen.  It’s more about my pride because as I said, I love myself too much.  I don’t want the appearance of losing.  It’s bad in some levels but for a narcissist, it’s practically a way of life.

This kind of attitude may turn you off; hell, it even turns me off sometimes but I just think it’s not a forever kind of phase of my personality.  It’s perhaps because I was brought up in a very sheltered existence.  In between being freed from the pod I was in while growing up and being, as convention dictates, a wife and a mother, I want to be on my own. As in just me. No peripheries.  Although I don’t wish to lose myself even when I do get married and have my own children.  It’s healthy to still have a YOU, and not be some label that society frames people with.

I rarely share this sentiment because I once tried and I was told I was just being bitter.  I was not.  I am not.  I guess trying to make people understand what you want and need is not easy, if not impossible.  This is why I don’t do it to people, too.  Whatever floats their boats.  I have myself to mind after all, and if you know me, I’m already a handful.

[What a comeback post, ‘no?]

Employee Judie · Reflective Judie

Crossroads

The end of 2009 saw me trying out new things and exploring other options.  I am expecting something, yes, but I am always open to whatever it brings. Let’s just say I will lose nothing by doing it.  Isn’t it the best kind of risk?

Anyway, since the year started I was met with little doubts if I should do it at all.  Typical form of doubt, I guess.  I may be doing a lot of activities, dabbling into many new stuff, but in a larger scheme of things, I have not made as big a move as the one I TRIED going into.

Whatever happens to my latest endeavor, I will gladly accept it.  It will be fantastic to get a favorable result, no matter how remote the possibility is for me.  I used to have very high hopes, and really, the apparent advantages are staring me in the face, but it’s not only me and about me. It’s a competition.

I hope this would not affect anything all but I’m having jitters about this move.  It’s like getting married soon and having bouts of cold feet, or getting engaged and suddenly being more attractive to the opposite sex than you have ever been.  They all want to implicitly ask, “Are you sure you want to do it? It’s good in here.  Maybe even better.” Sometimes, I have the exact sentiment.  There are tons of wonderful opportunities and phases that are very worthy looking into at exactly where I am now.  They somehow gently tapped my shoulder so I can take a look and for once, decide if I should really jump out of the nest.

At any rate, I am just thinking that God has the upper hand here, as He has always been.  Maybe this confusion, or fear with an unknown origin, is here to squeeze the truth out of me; somehow I need to tell the universe that, “Yes, this is what I really want.  I know the alternatives.  I am choosing this.” The problem is I have not figured out what variables I am choosing.  Yet.

Reflective Judie

tattooed on my mind

my flickr setsI had the energy to fix my online albums only today.  It’s an activity that was forgotten for a while.  People have noticed I refrained even from taking pictures now.  I also do not know exactly why.

I can only guess it’s because I learned to go through each experience with utmost enjoyment even without still souvenirs, because the main purpose of taking photos is to preserve the memories of each and every event, right? I may not remember each tiny detail in the future but I made sure I was THERE as it was happening.

I do not need too many pictures to make a memory complete.  This is in harmony with a very recent resolve to make each moment count, make each experience a reflection of a complete me.  I said goodbye to my days of wishing for things I do not have, do not experience.  Whether they will come or not, it’s fine.  Right now, as long as I enjoyed, or even simply felt good, about something, it’s bliss enough for me. I have to thank my existentialism reading materials for this.  I refuse to consider it a shift, a change, for I know I’ve always been like this, it’s just that my id, ego and super ego made drama their constant playmate.  I must admit, I enjoyed it for a while, but now, I will simply let the chips fall where there may.

Reflective Judie

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
But if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

– Pablo Neruda

+ + +

Someone sent this to me yesterday.

I did not pay much attention to Neruda until yesterday but excerpts from the above translation tells me it could be a reply to No Hay Olvido. What do you think? I should post it next.  

You can always find something to encapsulate particular emotions when you look into this kind of poetry.  It makes you feel normal. An emotional wreck, but still, normal.  If you cannot find anything that covers your predicament, you can always make one. I did. Hahaha =)

Bookworm Judie · Citizen Judie · Friend Judie · Reflective Judie

quicksand

  •  Three things made me happy today: (1) I had dinner with one of my bestfriends, (2) the Leadership Day Committee met for the first time and I got excited over the action items, and (3) Matt Giraud is returning next week on American Idol.

 

  • quicksand1I was still teased by a friend about something that happened to him which he directly accused me to be at fault. Since I love him dearly, I returned his snide remarks with a request, or a “forced favor” if you may, to give me a ride to Makati. I don’t care about his issues, I am more concerned about the horrendous rush hour traffic in Buendia. Hahaha! I love you, friend. You’re still yummy. See, I blogged it. BECAUSE I ALWAYS DO ANYWAY. =)
  •  

  • Crazy Fingers in Greenbelt 2 is not good. Would it be better had we not availed the dinner promo? Me thinks no. Meanwhile, if The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf has the best tea drinks in town, Starbucks has the best coffee jelly, Figaro has the most effective “If you want to stay up for two days straight with palpitations on the side, drink me”  beverages, UCC has the best coffee Americano blend, I confirmed, after a year, that Seattle’s Best Coffee has the most amazing mocha drinks ever.
  •  

  • ML said she did a little something, was accused of something larger than the ‘something’, was totally judged because of it, and in the end, was left sad and alone. She now wants to do again that little ‘something’, she will then be accused and judged again anyway; however, maybe, she will be happy this time. Did it make sense? For me it did. And I want to do it, too.
  •  

  • It is finally sinking in. It is not the same anymore.  Once again, let me tell you, I requested, twice, to be told off in a very straightforward manner but got no reaction. So, am I to assume that everything should already be UNDERSTOOD? That’s not fair. The only one I would believe without seeing is GOD. The rest, I have to see, and at least be told about.  It’s not hard to do, is it? I know I’m intelligent but there are things I still need to know as they are. Hm, maybe I am not stopping after all. Oh, it’s PMS season, the bitchfest is on! LOL.
  •  

  • If you are holding a thin book with its first chapter bearing the screaming title in bold letters, The Deflowering Of Rosie Little, you should realize that your entire earthly body definitely needs a rest.
  •  

  • stewie-bitch-tdog0105ML had the greatest time poking me with, “O ano, uulit ka pa?” in reference to my crazy ordeal. I did not say anything. When talking about her own crazy ordeal, she kept on mouthing, “Ayoko na, ayoko na talaga.” which gave me the cue to tell her in turn, “I refuse to listen to you because I’ve heard it too many times, and hindi mo naman ginagawa.” So yeah we’re really bestfriends because we’re fucked up the same way. In truth, at one point, it’s our society and our enviroment during our formative years that are at fault. They were the ones who conditioned us that our “kind”, our “breed”, our “level”, are not expected to do things that can be considered inappropriate. To illustrate, I vividly remember our high school guidance counselor telling us to refrain from engaging in fights with other girls in the campus, implying that when these groups cuss, make a scene, throw a fit, be caught doing adventurous and borderline nasty stuff, it’s fine to an extent kasi “ganun sila”, pero kami, no…the worst part of the argument being, YOU ARE HONOR STUDENTS! SECTION ONE PA NAMAN KAYO! Many years down the road, this upbringing caused us to do things we thought could make us happy, then retract dahil supposedly meron kaming konsensya and image to uphold. Hindi nakatulong ang value formation na yun in doing our pagpapariwara moments, and not because we want to be pariwara. Minsan parang yun lang kasi ang paraan, you know, to let loose, to be more daring, to be more bold and frank, kasi we have to get something we want. Pero no!!! Apparently we have been raised and trained to be fucking special, to be achievers, to be role models, pero you know what? Most of us are not happy now. Hahaha, I’m ranting! My rebellious streak came too late!
  •  

  • Again, it’s finally sinking in but I still can’t find it in me to stop. I don’t know if it’s because of my nature to compete but the good part of me just wants something small and harmless as a presence, because only after that can I determine what will I do next.
Citizen Judie · Reflective Judie

Thank you but back off a little, honey.

Salamat, Thanks, Grazie, Gracias.
Salamat, Thanks, Grazie, Gracias.

I am overwhelmed by everyone’s greetings and calls (most of which I dodged. I’m sorry). I am never trained nor I allowed myself to get used to all this attention that’s why I can only say a short but heartfelt thank you. People are not expecting anything more than that, I know.  Some of them don’t expect to get acknowledged at all – they did it because they wanted to; I even do it all the time.   That’s why it bothers me that I feel guilty that I am choked and stifled by too many of them.

I have been accustomed to my low self-esteem and we’ve been bestfriends for a long time so I may appear ungrateful and thankless to some especially in times like this. I didn’t mean to hide from or ignore people. I simply get scared of the sheer volume of attention. Growing up alone and living with unrequited feelings for a very long time (not only about romantic feelings, but in all types of affection I gave since I became this damaged, lahat ng yun that were not sufficiently returned  favorably) and then factor in my natural brooding personality, they should explain why I’m like this when the crowd gets too big and I’m the reason why they are coming together.

It’s not that I do not like being with people. I do, but only with a select few. I made plans to be with people I want to spend my time with. I also do not mean I dislike everyone else whom I did not “invite”; I do, I even love most of them, too, it’s just that I feel a certain level of my personal space being invaded when, as I said, lots of people converge to tell me that they remembered.

I am aware that I touched their lives at one point that’s why they took time to send me something or (attempt to) call me. Someday, when I grow old alone, I may realize the importance of being grateful to them. I may be less scared and intimidated by the attention. As of now though, I don’t know how to handle it gracefully, and well. It’s not that my mother (who has always acted as my buffer and sort of like a “publicist” that’s why people have not realized na ako ay hindi marunong makipag-kapwa tao, or ayaw sa tao, ehhh, something like that) and my experience with people taught me nothing. I guess I’m just this way and I will stay this way for a very long time.

Before I turn more people off, I am ending this post, but not without another sincere THANK YOU to everyone who remembered. It’s not a great time to publish my frustrations and crazy personality problems in my blog, on my birthday nonetheless, but I just can’t help it. For now I need time to be on my own, like I always loved it. Salamat ulit! 🙂

Bookworm Judie · Citizen Judie · Reflective Judie · Romantic Judie

goodbye, drafts…and some more

I cleaned the DRAFT folder in my Gmail. Funny that I managed to keep 62 draft e-mails! That’s a lot of things left unsaid, if you think about it.  Almost all of them were intended to be sent to only one person! A lot of them were finished e-mails, only short of hitting the Send button to complete its purpose. Many of them would have qualified as blog entries because of their content and length. I don’t know why I chose to leave them like that.  The only reason I can think of is that almost all of them were brutally frank, the spur of the moment kind. I did not recognize many feelings conveyed there. Some made me laugh. The others made me grin because of how pathetic they were. I would have kept them for these very reasons, just to have something to look back or laugh at in the future, but I decided against it. Better have a clean slate when I turn over a new leaf next week.

I have to do some serious journal updates. I am already nine days behind. I hope my new pen inspires me to write.

The Gun Seller is f*cking funny. I’ve never laughed by myself while reading in a coffee shop since A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole. I am not simply being biased because Hugh Laurie wrote it. It’s really funny! I cannot comment on it as a whole because I’m only halfway through; it can go bad or it cannot, but it already made me chuckle many times so whatever’s at the end would be tolerable and forgivable. I think I’m sort of getting British humour now.  I started reading P.G. Wodehouse last year and I was amused. Might bear no relation to everything at all but Hugh reveres Wodehouse among all comic novelists! Anyway, ah, love for reading. I love this kind of love. 🙂

Citizen Judie · Reflective Judie · TV & Movie Buff Judie

messed up but functioning

I used to be so awed by this post’s title; it’s a line which I snatched from a fanfiction I read last year. Of course, at that time, I related it on purpose to a kind of relationship that is,was, possible with someone. That was then. Today, I can only relate it to the appearance of my blog/s in Internet Explorer browsers (I have yet to check with Safari, by the way).

Yes, I changed my blog layout for the billionth time, but not realizing that it will appear messed up in IE. I’ve been using Mozilla Firefox for sometime now and I very seldom see a difference in most sites I frequently visit.  Anyway, I’m not going to find a new layout that fits ALL browsers.  This one, I like, so far. IE users, just deal with it.

In a true inner fangirl fashion, I am also happy to share a layout for my livejournal. Sadly, it only works well with Firefox and Safari and really appears very messed up in IE. Irinafan shared this layout and many of us loved it so much, I would not be surprised if many of us “fans” are using identical livejournal layouts right now. It’s really cute.

Here is a sample screenshot, and you can go to my livejournal if you want to see it in a real window. I have yet to clean my font settings there but it mostly contains identical entries. =)

= = =

With regard to other messed up but functioning stuff, J. Anthony Holmes, a former US Ambassador to Burkina Faso (not one to judge but you will at a point also wonder what is the range of US foreign policy  being represented there; enlightenment is welcome, by the way), wrote an essay about the shortcomings of this ending administration in the foreign service system, titled Where Are The Civilians? How To Rebuild The US Foreign Service. I understood most issues raised, from a vantage point of someone working for foreign service officers and line bureaucrats pertained to in the essay. Read it if you have time.

In relation to US foreign policies , Foreign Policy.org started a blog called The Cable, which aims to follow every foreign policy to be formulated and executed when Obama assumes office, and most especially when Hillary Clinton sits down as Secretary of State (this last one I am happy about).

Lastly, in a very unrelated news but still with a foreign ring to it, Hugh Laurie in tux soon, and thrice! Well, why not, People’s Choice Awards is on Thursday, the Golden Globes is this Monday and the Screen Actors Guild Awards is on the 26th (all Manila time)! I have high hopes for Hugh particularly in People’s Choice; he has been a SAG and GG recipient multiple times in the past but it’s also a politicized process so I’m ready to see Gabriel Byrne or Jon Hamm (or even Jonathan Rhys-Meyers of The Tudors, ah, manjoyment!) nab the Best Drama Actor award from him.  Not bad to hope that he sweeps all three though!

Reflective Judie · Student Judie

course confusion

I want to study again but I do not know what course to take this time.

confusionFinishing graduate school is an idea that never died even if I had to move out of my previous program last year. It only means I did not lose interest in studying, my course then wasn’t just for me. I reached a point when I thought I was good for nothing and should just trash learning and being graded for it. Seriously though, it could not be the case. I’ve seen people who have made the rounds of colleges and universities because they cannot find the course they want. I am just the same. When I left, a professor asked me if the program was faulty because apparently a lot had left before me. I was surprised as all those times I thought it’s always been about my insufficient interest which led to incompetence which eventually led to missing deadlines and actual classes. Distance and schedule figured out prominently in the equation, too,  but at the end of it all, I just wanted out of it, I guess.

So, I’m browsing for courses again. Thing is, I still do not know what I want.  Is there a psych test I can take to determine where I am leaning towards? I’m afraid I would have to make my own trip around national grad schools, experience the courses, before I can identify what I really want. It’s kind of nuts but if left with no choice, I might do it.

Many courses are promising but somewhere in the midst of reading each of its core subjects, I find myself asking, “Do I want this? Can I endure this?” Because frankly, I am not one to endure something I do not like doing, and I almost never reconsider when I dislike something already. Anyway, I am also thinking if taking something related to what I do now would be the way to go, or something only a bit related but would present a different realm to me is more okay.

The more I explore, the more I cannot narrow down courses to one. Distance learning via our premier state university’s Open University is the best to go to if I don’t want weekly classroom activities.  Out of many offerings though, I only feel okay with Development Communication.

If I want classroom interaction somewhere very near my place of work (in my undergrad campus, much more in my mother college!), there’s Master of Arts in Health Policy Studies. The realm of Social Sciences is pretty interesting to me while the specific area of health studies is something that would never grow old. My only reservation here is that I bombed my Political Dynamics class before and from this course’s subject list, I might be going through the same round of stuff again.

If I want to endure the happy kind of stress of traveling all the way to Quezon City, I can try pursuing Master of Industrial Relations.  A little part of me also wants to try Master of Arts in Urban and Regional Planning even if I have no concrete idea what it is. =)

Most friends have asked me to go to business school but I don’t know if I can make something out of it later. The Ateneo-Regis MBA program sounds very good though, add the fact that it’s very near my place of residence.

Since we’re into proximity to place of residence and place of work, Master of Arts in Development Policy (interest in Social Sciences, remember?) and Master of Science in Psychology (Major in Indutrial & Organizational Psychology) offered by De La Salle are both very interesting.

What else, what else? Did you know that for a little while, I considered going into law school? I may like it but I don’t know if I can pull it through till the end.  I seem to be attracted (platonically) to lawyers though. Oh well, fine, law school is another option.

Or since I am also interested in Russia, European Studies sounds cool, too.

See, so many courses, so little willpower to decide which one is it. If universities will tailor a course to suit my top-of -mind interests, then they can start a course like Master of House MD, Major in House and Cuddy. =) Or all about Friends, since I discovered very recently, I can still win any Friends episode trivia contest by a long mile. What a life, right? =)

I hope to come up with something soon. Studying again may not be one of the changes I want to do (again?) this year but since I’m not as adventurous as other people and mobility is not a viable option at this time, it’s very high in my priority list. Operation:Awesomeness starts today, people.

Citizen Judie · Reflective Judie

Welcome, 2009!

Here’s to another 365 days of craziness, fun, less struggle and more hope for people everywhere. We can all cope with whatever’s ailing us now – financially, professionally, personally, socially – they will all pass.

Seventeen days to go until my 27th birthday! I am going to change my mindset about it. It still freaks me out but I can simply shrug it off and smile. A friend said that most life-changing events happen when someone turns 27. It’s when my Saturn will return.  Wherever it went, I have no idea. =)

Speaking of change, it is the theme of the January run of National Blog Posting Month. I joined again and hopefully I’ll be included in the blogroll when everything’s not too busy anymore. =) Participating last month (last year!) was fun.

Here’s to changing lame strategies, continuing effective ones, and reconstructing the “moving” parts of my life. Yay!

Citizen Judie · Reflective Judie

i wanted water but i’ll walk through the fire

My staff were talking about 2009. I realized I would be turning 27 in January.  I cannot believe I will be three years short of 30. That’s so far out there in my life canvas.

Someone said it is not true that I just floated through the years as I thought I did. Sometimes, I believe it, most times I ponder otherwise.  Another person also said that quarterlife crisis is not true; if that is so, I don’t know where to attribute this crises in identity, goals and disposition to.

At best, I hope when I’m in my mid-thirties, instability, indecision and confusion wouldn’t be as prominent in my psyche. People my age, who are lawyers, doctors of varied specializations, engineers, priests, nuns and foreign service officers, who have found what they want to do in life, well, you’re lucky because something definite in that aspect of your lives has been concretely defined.  You have to give it to us, those who still cannot figure out what we’re really here for, and our struggle for self-definition.

That being said, I am a late bloomer when it comes to John Mayer’s music but when I heard Vultures for the first time, I knew it contained what I have been trying to say to the world.


This is not the orginial music video but John and his band’s take on the song and their music in general as part of their Live From Abbey Road appearance.

Lyrics? Here:

Some of us, We’re hardly ever here
The rest of us, we’re born to disappear
How do I stop myself from
Being just a number
How will I hold my head
To keep from going under

♥ Down to the wire
I wanted water but
But I’ll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I’ll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me,testing me

How did they find me here
What do they want from me
All of these vultures hiding
Right outside my door
I hear them whisperin
They’re tryin to ride it out
Cause they’ve never gone this long
Without a kill before

Wheels up
I got to leave this evening
Can’t seem to shake these vultures
Off of my trail
Power is made, by power being taken
So I keep on running
To protect my situation

Oooooooooooo
Oooooooooooo
Oooooooooooo
Oooooooooooo
Whatcha gonna do about it
Whatcha gonna do about it

I am still in search of an advocacy. They said I should pursue advocacies related to my interests. I already have a book club that, among regular book club activities, sends deserving students to UP. Shall I find a literacy enhancement program? Shall I join a singles group? Shall I volunteer to be a TV show go-to woman (as in “All You Need To Know About *insert TV show*, come to me”)? I’m thinking, I’m thinking. 

Citizen Judie · Reflective Judie

mommy schlammy

My mother and I are living different lives now, even if we’re together. For example, I noticed that we still go to malls together but we always separate at some point. She would just meet me at a coffeshop because that’s where I’d be anyway, nowhere else, while she quenches her new obsession with kitchen wares.

I also feel odd sometimes that she doesn’t look for me anymore. I know I am so way beyond curfews but when something that you’ve been used to, even if you hate it terribly, gets taken away, you still look for it pala. Sure, she would still text me , “San ka na?” or “Anong oras ka uuwi?” but after I reply, nothing follows. There are nights when I will deliberately roam the mall alone because of free AC (hahaha) and I’d reach past closing time so I’ll stay in restaurants that remain open until midnight.  I will always check my phone if she has called me or has messaged me with her stern go home or else messages but sometimes I feel bad that there’s nothing. 

Mahal pa kaya ako ng nanay ko? Hahaha!

Of course, I totally appreciate it now.  We have long established that she trusts me, she doesn’t just trust my enviroment in general.  Maybe now that she has diversions (she went back to school six months ago), she knows that everything happens for a reason and no amount of protectiveness can prevent whatever thoughts she has about what could happen to me.  Besides, she must have gotten tired of looking for loopholes in my boring life so siya mismo gave up on protecting me dahil sa pagka-plain ng buhay ko.

My mother has changed. She even thinks I’m a little slutty now. Read more!

Reflective Judie · Romantic Judie · TV & Movie Buff Judie

let’s face it

Pinoy movies are cheesy but admittedly, they hit you with their dialogues.

I just came from the latest John Lloyd-Sarah Geronimo starrer, which on its second week is still filled with people (I watched in G4…my cousin was at the other cinema for You Don’t Mess With The Zohan and he said there were a lot of seats vacant!).  The story was light: Girl applied for a job at Guy’s magazine because she has always adored him. Guy is your typical cranky and crabby boss. Girl got Guy’s attention with her personality and “I will never give up on you, sir” attitude. Turned out guy has internal issues since he was young and when Girl uncovered it, she mellowed Guy and his temper, helped him cope. But his internal demons possessed him again so he went haywire anew. Girl gave up. Guy realized he needs Girl, and he might love her already. too. Guy chased Girl. They made up in the rain. The end.

It was funny and light. I didn’t like the singing parts. But it was okay, I did not regret spending 140 pesos.

Anyway, sentimental line-picker that I am, the following lines (not verbatim), got me:

Guy: I did not ask you to love me, so don’t ever make me feel that I have to love you back. Dahil kahit pagbali-baligtarin mo ako, wala akong maibibigay. Itigil mo na yan. Maawa ka sa sarili mo. Mapapagod ka lang kakaasa. Mapapagod ka lang kakahintay.

Girl: Kahit minsan hindi ko naramdaman na nakakapagod kang mahalin. Ngayon lang.

Ayos di ba?

Plus a mother’s advice is almost always the best. When your heart gets broken, whether the object of your affection knows it or not, this is a line that hopefully could save you:

Basta ang mahalaga hindi ka pa ubos. Andyan ka pa rin. Para kapag dumating na ang magmamahal sa iyo, meron ka pang maibabalik.

Yay.

o0o

I’m done being crazy. I have been happy, humiliated, disappointed, excited, angry; I pitied myself too much, I terribly lusted after someone, I changed my ways. Maybe not just for this year, you know, I am done being crazy emotionally. I will just get, uh, alarmed (?) when I reach 30 years old. That’s 40 months to go, and obviously, I can do a lot of things within that period. The deal breaker in this dilemma was when I had feelings for a friend. That’s one of the worst things you can do. Developing feelings for an officemate, blind date or some random guy in the office is fine, even if it doesn’t bear fruit; treading that pure, beautiful line of friendship is poisonous. Thankfully, I got out of it early in the battle and I did not risk ruining myself more.

I am planning many things for my personal development now. As boring as it may sound, I am into this whole oil price manipulation and speculation issue. I am in the process of learning a new language, too. I may go back to school also. I may do all of these because I’m wallowing, or I’m trying to still impress someone, but what’s more important to me now is that I am doing all of these for me.

If someone comes along while I’m in this “me, myself, and I” project, then I’ll just take it as it comes. I accepted my fate, I removed the thing blocking my door, so positive vibes can now come in.

See, this is the effect of my strong desire to not go to work tomorrow. Sigh.

Bookworm Judie · Reflective Judie · Romantic Judie

…and i’m only on page 115

Yes, not even halfway through Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love, I found two passages that, as usual, seem to have described me directly, either today or at some point in the future.

Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never even dared to admit that you wanted — an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement.  Soon you start craving that intense attention, with the hungry obsession of any junkie.  when the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but who now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore — despite the fact that you know he has hidden it somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free).  Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have that thing even one more time.  Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you.  He looks at you like you’re someone he’s nver met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion.  The irony is, you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out.  You’re a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to your eyes.

Probably it’s a plus that most of my “addictions” were unrequited because I swam through the addiction alone. My dealer, if you think about it, has been myself all along. Ugh, I hate metaphors. Then this next one, I am not ashamed to admit that I have been/would be, when that little something called falling in love struck me again. Just like the passage, I am not proud of it, but I charged it to experience. Yes, I did crazy things because I thought I love(d) someone. I wonder where he is now. To the next one, lucky you. I just hope you would not be a total a-hole, because I’m a gem, hahaha.

I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that’s not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries , one must have boundaries in the first place, right? But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time. my devotion, my ass, my money, my dog’s time — everything. If I love you I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.

I do not relay these facts about myself with pride but this is how it’s always been.

Wow. I still have more than 300 pages to read yet I was already moved. I must say, I made the right decision picking this up from my TBR (to be read) pile because it’s such an awesome tool in my path to self-awakening. I’m in Operation:Growing Up remember?

Taken from pages 25 and 86 of a paperback print of Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search For Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia by Elizabeth Gilbert. Published in 2006 by The Penguin Group, New York.

Friend Judie · Reflective Judie

sisterhood of the stupid hearts

Many things have been crazy lately. Thankfully, my (non)problem pales in comparison to what’s happening in my close friends’ lives. I feel bad about what they’re going through. Selfishly speaking, it made me see how trivial my emotional problems are. Trivial and shallow and self-centered, even.

One striking difference of friendships formed by adults from what was made in one’s younger years is that you are not obliged to share everything; information, details, specifics, everything is under your control, even if it’s toward your closest adult friends, because of something called responsibility for your actions. I can really see how the level of sharing is different, and as adults, we know that something is happening, but we can only wait if a friend wants to share a certain something. You ask, yes, but the last say on the amount of information still depends on the person. When I was in my teens, it’s practically a felony to a friendship if a detail was left behind. Much more when I was in grade school. Naivete may have been responsible for this, I guess.

That being said, I can only say a prayer for a friend who’s going through tough times. It’s been cliche that no matter how intelligent and strong-willed you are, no one is spared by the illogical lash of emotions. I’m appreciative that a friend shares but I also perfectly understand if she’s not sharing more. That’s what a sturdy friendship is, I guess. Like a loose balloon as your friend, you are just a witness to how he or she soars from one direction to another; when the balloon pops, you just have to be there to catch it. That’s what friends do, at the very least. You can dispense advices, you can try to provide enlightenment, but ultimately, respect for your friend’s decision is what matters in the end. I told you so‘s are definitely very easy to give out, but maturity dictates that it shouldn’t be done often.

In a gist, I want to pound my friend’s head with a hammer, and also the boyfriend’s, but the unbiased side of me understands her. I just hope I won’t have to come to that point, if and only if. When you love, you really go blind. Sometimes, you decide on certain things brought by the motivation to keep the one you love. Especially if there’s something that you think can be provided by another person, so much so that no matter how impractical, you will go for it, and you will find sufficient justifications for it. It’s a form of securing yourself by making sure that you will provide for the one you love, thinking it would keep him away from someone. Just to share, I came to a point when I felt so little because I don’t have a car. Now, it’s not solely about having a car, it’s in the context that I felt someone nabbed the one I want because she has a car (ergo they can go anywhere, and other related stupid arguments) and I don’t. I told a friend that that’s what probably our other friend feels. When you’re in that silly sphere, you overlook the fact that you are far more than that; you tend to highlight something shallow that you don’t have, and you make it the reason why you feel miserable. Lucky for me the guy isn’t my boyfriend (but hers, not that it makes a lot of difference), so the insecurity was washed away. But in my friend’s case, it’s her boyfriend, and of course, that gives her more reason to justify doing something irrational and impractical because it’s not just for the boyfriend but it’s already for “them”.

Then there goes my other friends who cannot have the men they truly care about because it’s simply impossible in the eyes of God (but take note, not necessarily in the eyes of the law!). As for me, well, I’m just plain stupid and crazy. And my advantage over them is that everyone in my playing field is single, and it’s actually acceptable and fair game to steal someone as long as there’s no wedding ring on anyone’s finger. Life should be filled with that kind of fun, as long as I’m young. I’ll just think about it when I’m in my thirties, the repercussions, I mean. Hahahaha! But no, it’s like abandoning my and Laine’s vow of never going after either a married man or someone who’s already with someone (but if the unmarried guy is unstable, damaged and messed up, it’s still a good kind of go — hahaha ang kulit talaga, Laine!).

At best, I wish everyone well…and on time enlightenment. We all deserve them. Life is too short to be spent badly.

Reflective Judie

detachment

I wish to be away for a short time, hoping to gather my thoughts together. I decided to put off blogging and Facebook-ing for a while. I’m loving the fact that I enjoy reading again, with that same familiar zeal that lets me spend time flipping pages with pleasure.

I may still be the same insecure person even when I do regain interest in online activities that I’d be putting off, so I, myself, do not impose too much expectations there.

To all, enjoy life as it is very short. I will try to enjoy mine by doing other things in the meantime. See you around!

Reflective Judie

panic of an unstable mind

Random Psychobabble Episode 1:

While listening to a song that has haunted me for days, a creepy feeling occurred to me and now I’m very worried.

The song has no relation to it at all, or maybe it has, but its melody took me back to my past. Eighteen-nineteen years past.

And now I suddenly am scared. I don’t want to move on. I want to be here forever. I fear getting old.

This is weird but it’s something that sucks, too.

No, really, I’m scared out of my wits. I just closed my eyes, feeling the song, when I found myself transported to events when I was in gradeschool, and when I opened my eyes, that’s when I freaked.

Maybe I’m thinking too much. Or I have thousands of unresolved issues.

Seriously, no matter how much you people tell me that I’m doing okay, I feel I just floated through the years. I’m still empty now, you know. Do not debate with me using my present position and other assets and accomplishments (which are very few anyway, but which I’m grateful to pieces) as arguments. I am the one feeling this emptiness. I’m hollow. I just hide it too well. And please, this is not just about being romantically unattached. In fact, there’s some hidden desire in me to be alone in the long run. I silently scream to be left alone, you know. I want to break free from all the responsibilities and conventions.

Once again, I’m hollow inside. I do not know what I want to do with my life. And I’m scared because time runs so fast.

I just hide it well, in case you’re still not convinced. I just hope fate won’t play a trick on me and take whatever I have today.

I envy you if you like what you do, you know what to do with your life, you do not feel insecure of people passing you by, you do something productive, you remember books you’ve read, you know what’s happening to the rest of the world, you can opine about things relevant and irrelevant, you make a difference, you are healthy, you enjoy each moment in your life and not get mentally transported somewhere as something unfolds in front of you…because I am not all of those. I tried but miserably failed.

Again, I just hide it good enough so it won’t be noticed.

Again, I’m hollow. I distinctly remember it kicking in when I turned 14. This is probably the 2nd or 3rd time I mentioned that age but yeah, that early. Since then, everything else went by like a blur. I cannot remember something tragic that happened to me then, only a fateful loss in the student council elections where I was the only one in our party who didn’t win. I morphed into a scatter-brain creature all throughout that year, my sophomore year, but I also remember bouncing back in my junior year, kicking ass in the next year’s student council elections, and getting the assistant editorship of the school paper. I still bombed in my academics but I still did good enough, I think. Ah, I just don’t know the convolution of disappointments that pushed me to this (hollow) edge.

I probably just need an inspiration to unleash my pure confidence and boost my self-esteem because frankly, I got tired pushing myself to unfeel this hollowness. Believe me, I’m empty. Very empty.