Someone said you can never love someone unless you love yourself first.
See, I think I love myself too much. My top priority is myself.
It may explain why a romantic partner remains elusive to me now. I love myself so much that the universe feels I am giving twice the amount of love I deserve in this lifetime.
Makes sense, doesn’t it?
Anyway, I have to be honest now. Yes, I feel sad sometimes and yes, I question why others find it so easy to have a relationship, or relationships, but sometimes, I just pretend I feel affected by it because conventionally, single women in their late twenties normally gripe about it. In truth, there are times I don’t give a rat’s ass.
I guess there is a big part of me that remains unquenched and no, not a romantic life can sate it. It’s so big that it comprises most of my daydreams. It’s never an obligation to share your secret fantasies but for the sake of having something to contribute, I just tell people I also think of a man and all the fairy tale-y stuff that usually comes with it. Don’t get me wrong. I do think about someone, or a few people (depending on my mood, hahaha!), but give me a slice of other priorities, even as shallow as TV shows or salacious celebrity gossip, and all the romantic fantasies go away. I get distracted easily.
So what do I really think about, you may ask.
My mother accidentally read a journal where I wrote down my name beside fictitious (for now, at least?) job titles, names of international organizations, and addresses both here and abroad. I do them to entertain myself. She said if it’s what I really want, nothing’s stopping me. That statement has a slew of subordinate issues and I won’t discuss them here because they’re not related to the point I’m making anyway.
So, really, I want to experience leaving. I want to explore. I want to be one of those women who lives on one suitcase after another, hops from one destination to another, runs on office hallways on heels, complains that 24 hours are not enough. I don’t aspire to be a superwoman, I don’t have world dominatix plans in my head. I just want be up and about, I want to be more mobile.
You may say, you can have both. I mean, the kind of woman I want myself to be may also have a partner. It’s not like you can only have one at a time. Yeah, I do believe that, and I totally support it. But this is where my extreme self-love comes into play. I don’t know what to do if one arrives in my doorstep while the main one is there. And lest I didn’t make it clear, my “main” one is what I want to happen in my life, not a partner.
Of course, I still wish to be loved, to have a partner, to be married, to be a mother. But not now. I may get hurt by experiences in that department but I get over it easily. If there were lingering reactions, it’s not anymore about what happened or what did not happen. It’s more about my pride because as I said, I love myself too much. I don’t want the appearance of losing. It’s bad in some levels but for a narcissist, it’s practically a way of life.
This kind of attitude may turn you off; hell, it even turns me off sometimes but I just think it’s not a forever kind of phase of my personality. It’s perhaps because I was brought up in a very sheltered existence. In between being freed from the pod I was in while growing up and being, as convention dictates, a wife and a mother, I want to be on my own. As in just me. No peripheries. Although I don’t wish to lose myself even when I do get married and have my own children. It’s healthy to still have a YOU, and not be some label that society frames people with.
I rarely share this sentiment because I once tried and I was told I was just being bitter. I was not. I am not. I guess trying to make people understand what you want and need is not easy, if not impossible. This is why I don’t do it to people, too. Whatever floats their boats. I have myself to mind after all, and if you know me, I’m already a handful.
[What a comeback post, ‘no?]