Still Distracted

I was home earlier than usual and a tiny part of me was hopeful I could finally publish a post or two in my drafts folder. The coherent ones, you know? But after business-related communications (naks, see, my little online bookshop is making traction plus some Cooperative training opportunities), my fingers found themselves typing Netflix.

My watch list has a lot of unfinished episodes because my attention span has always been really short when presented with plenty of options. I finished the 4th episode of Broadchurch though. It’s been on my list for a time and only managed to start it when the Jodie Whitaker news hit. Right now as I type the half of my screen is playing the pilot episode of The 100. Heard a lot of great stuff about it beyond the book. My motivation to finally start? Been seeing The 100 Funko pops! Hahaha!

I need to be in bed in 45 minutes so let’s see what other “crazy” shenanigans I go into. Grabe, this life. Pero happy naman ako. Hahaha! How are you today?

Steady

giphy

It’s been a long time since I felt this kind of steady, this kind of calm. I cannot fully say I’m over whatever demons I got because that’s an entire encyclopedia of conversation to dabble in, so I’m enjoying each day as it comes.

The desire to go is still there and I think it’s never gonna go away. Maybe it was sidetracked a bit because of people. My kind of introversion sometimes finds solace from being pulled in by people. And finding someone to potentially victimize, errrr, fall in love with must have contributed. Whatever it is, I’m not daring to poke the fragile balloon. Not when I’m kinda enjoying life again.

Picasso Once More

My mother requested for a city staycation because we lost our power supply last Thursday night and we were told it won’t be fixed soon. As soon as we left for the hotel, my uncle messaged us that the electricity was restored. Ang galing di ba? This kind of sudden gastusan makes me wanna pull my hair out of my head, but I realized, nanay ko naman ito, that I will also be enjoying it, and hello, I  can shell out more for toys and collectibles (my new crack — but that’s for another entry), so why not just enjoy this stay?

My go-to booking app for hotels has been Agoda since 2015. So far, I got good rates and no hidden charges upon checkout. For this weekend, I chose to stay in Picasso Boutique Serviced Residences. First stayed there in 2011 and went back again late last year. It’s the cheapest option considering the location — smack dab in Salcedo Village, a few steps away from Salcedo Market if you opt to stay on a weekend, and walking distance to great restaurants and convenience stores.

FullSizeRender 2 I also like their gym! It occupies two floors, loft-style. They have the basic gym equipment, almost identical than the ones we have in the office gym. I went twice and I was almost alone both times so it worked well (pa-unsocial kunyari) for me. Iba din pala ang feeling when you have a not-so high view of the Makati BCD landscape. A breather from trees and waves of the Manila Bay breakwater, hehe.

We got the very same room we stayed at last time so it feels familiar. Hehehe. The first two stays I was with R, this time with my mom, and with the comfort this hotel gave me, pwede bang next time, jowa naman? Hahaha!

If I don’t let my kuripot side guilt-trip me over small luxuries like this, I can get used to this. It’s like getting a massage or a good mani-pedi We did not go far but seeing that we’re in something different can do good to the body and soul (whaaaat). I will do this again soon.

Two-Prong

Some say in order to know someone’s or something’s real worth you have to detach yourself from it. Whether by choice or you were made to, doesn’t matter, so long as you take that certain amount of time away from what you’re used to.

After the break, you will realize how burnt out you were. That purging something out of your system was an awesome idea. From there you can start fresh. See familiar things in a clearer, more rejuvenated lens. You will also find yourself thinking, “Oh my, I missed this.”

Or…you will feel how much you’ve wanted to be out of it all along. That the break you took was the catalyst, your push, that without it you’d probably still be there until you — unconsciously — continue to self-sabotage by doing things out of character (does not make it neither negligible nor justified) because maybe, deep down you really just want to be out of there. That your occasional social media statuses of discontent for years were signs that if culled can provide a clearer picture than an actual long-ass declaration.

Perhaps you’ve just reached the threshold. There’s nothing wrong with it. Other people felt it way earlier. As an adult though, there are considerations and concessions. And this is where common sense and passion must gel extremely well before taking any crucial step.

At this juncture, it is more agonizing because you already have figured out what you do not want, and there’s no way to deny it, you can only delay what you want to do about it. As compared to when you haven’t really mulled it over, you can simply chuck it to needing a break or forgetting it exists when little changes come or a reward is reaped. Now it’s no longer an elephant in the room. It’s an actual looming feeling day after day. Fear of the economic unknown creeps in, too, just to spice it up. 
What a stressful but very interesting time to be in.

Maybe Next Time, Marathon.

In a few hours the class of 2017 of The Bull Runner University will officially run their first (or second) marathon and a small part of me (yes, there is a small part of me) is sad that I won’t be a part of it.

I signed up for the TBR Dream Marathon back in August. The motivation was laughable and shallow, although I don’t include it in my reasons why I’m not joining the event. I was wait-listed and then got in in a space of two days, paid the fee the next day, and the week after that, I started going to the office gym. It was a very good start.

The next weeks saw me in my regular running routine. Pikit-mata, I invested in a Garmin and in more decent workout clothes — before that, my “workout” clothes were the free singlets from the races I joined in years ago. I read on techniques and training schedules. Like many first-timers, I worked on my stability and endurance and planned on my speed next. I did not get to the focusing on my speed this time! part because, well, my routine started crumbling down.

Before it did, I managed to run one 16km and one 22km. Slow but nonetheless successful. My biggest achievement there was not feeling overly exhausted — hey, I was sllooooowww) and was able to go to work the next day as if nothing happened.

On the first week of December, I got acute gastroenteritis (that SM Aura restaurant and their lousy handling of greens was my culprit, haha) and was unable to train for a week. After that, the holiday season was in full swing and it was also a busier time at work, so I didn’t go back to training. In hindsight, they were all excuses. Then January came. I could have gone full blast in training to make up for it, hey I even found a shortened training calendar leading up to February 19, but the momentum came crashing down. It was disheartening but it was a battle I was sure I already lost.

I paid for runs to cover long distance training for January and February, but had to sell them. Good thing I was able to! Sayang din yun pera, ha.

Then just when I thought I was just extremely undertrained, and perhaps, I can still go and run on marathon day (the cutoff was 9 hours after all!), I was faced with a more serious medical emergency that totally put my marathon plans off the table. I was even scheduled sana to join a mountain hike so as not to feel bad for missing the marathon but even that was prohibited. My take is I am really not meant to do any physical activities during this period.

Anyway, I know it’s not going to be the only opportunity to run 42km. If the chance presents itself, I know I’m not going to be a total noob anymore. I did not regret the time and money I spent in the past months, even with a whisper in some hidden space in my heart that I won’t be able to do it anyway. In fact, one of  the things I miss is the great feeling after working out. I thought that sluggishness was endemic in my system but apparently it’s not! Hahaha! If only for that as a basic motivation, it might be great to poke the territory again.

For now I can only wish that all the marathon dreamers finish strong and safe. I was witness to the amount of hardwork and dedication they had. The friendship they formed is also something to be proud of. Perhaps someday, I’ll meet them, and it would be nice if it’s at a marathon route. Let’s see!

Lunch Joke

I hardly regret the amount I spend on food and books. My taste in food is also very easy to please unless onions are involved. However there are days that will get you. See, I paid 100 pesos for this plate of food. You can tell how the serving is as I put a bill beside it. Hindi talaga makatarungan minsan. And it’s not as if it’s melt in your mouth liempo. 

Some say when I complain about how much something costs it just means I am not its target market. I agree with that but this joke of a lunch is to me a clear exception. 😂

Tolerance is not Indifference

I would like to think I am tolerant but not indifferent.

These are two different traits which are prone to be muddled when you are perceived to not care about, well, many things. I do care, it’s just that it’s a personal preference to let people live their own lives. When you apply it to family and close friends, it can very well be misconstrued as indifference. Deadma. Kebs. Walang pakialam, walang puso, to an extent, walang utang na loob. Hurtful, in a way.

I can give my thoughts on issues and situations but I deliberately make it a point to leave the last decision or conclusion to whoever I am talking to. How to move on from a breakup? Here are my thoughts based on what I know about your situation BUT up to you. Do you think I can do this? I think I do, BUT ikaw, you decide if you really want to. I read a blood relation on a warpath in social media — I ask if he/she is okay and perhaps may wanna tone it down BUT then again, bahala ka kung anong gusto mong gawin.

I may be crazy chatty and noisy and jokingly condescending but my closest friends know it’s all for fun. I personally do not feel comfortable having a say on someone’s life other than my own. At the end of the day, buhay mo yan. That’s just my reason for my being perceived as walang pakialam when the jokes are over. Maybe sometimes I overdo it that they think I just choose to forget. Well, minsan (lol), but I notice things, I hear laments, I read about situations — so my conscious and subconscious do know, I just choose not to react. The bahala ka sa buhay mo in a good way, you know what I mean? Of course, it’s common sense that when danger or a threat is looming, that becomes a different story.

More importantly, and this is where it becomes “complicated” allegedly, I simply do not want the same done to me. Tricky, as many will say (had said!) akala mo kung sino na ako na hindi na pwedeng sabihan. THAT’S NOT IT. Iba ‘yon. You have the freedom to speak to me, but to take them in, ako na ‘yon.

Life isn’t supposed to be a quid pro quo stance all the time. But I don’t opine on your life so I respectfully request you not give unsolicited advice and pass them off as what’s best for me.

I have a very limited number of people whom I allowed to have a clout in my life. My mother tops this list. Even then, it’s not completely true — because I only ultimately decide what I want, when I want to do it, and why. It’s really very simple. Harmlessly simple.

The Plague of the Vague

img_33761One good thing with our social media accounts is how we can post something, anything, that can be for someone without actually naming that someone. We are all treated to this everyday, and let’s admit it, there are times when the angry ones are the juicier ones, the more that catches our attention. On the other end, when you post something non-warfreakish with a person in mind, we carefully craft it albeit vaguely, but it reeks of ‘This is for you, hope you get it” undertones. If the person is dense or uninterested, your message will just be liked by equally clueless friends (because that’s what they’re there for, minsan kahit hindi nabasa, like lang agad — nasa friendship code ba yan?!), and will be drowned by more pressing posts. In short, mapapanis. :-p Lucky for you if the intended recipient read it yet didn’t do anything. Luckier if the intended read it, got it, and sprang into action. Ang haba ng buhok mo, girl. Ang pogi mo, boy.

On the other hand,  your “vaguely crafted” message will also be read by people other than the intended recipient, unless you restrict it to just the two of you (which will beg the question, hello, how psycho can you get?!). If it is a declaration of feelings, a pronouncement of whatever bubbling up inside, a subtle invite – lahat yan will be open to interpretation, and you have to be prepared for these, erm, possibilities. Particularly with regard to invites, we can be so engrossed hitting our target, tapos iba ang tinamaan. A different one took you up on it. That will be so awkward to decline. Sige nga, ngayon ka magmaganda.

This blog post is a big obvious example of such vagueness. (Sana nga na-gets mo.)

This is exactly what I thought as one of the downsides of being vague. There, the very lazy word sana.

Life is too short and the cyberspace is so vast to not be specific. The vagueness protects us from putting down all our cards on the table, it allows us to guard our heart, but at what cost?

 

Just Write Just Right

This begins a series of short posts that may or may not be for long. There is still the disconnect. I have said this over and over again.

Anyway, there is still comfort – not guilt – in running close to 7 kilometers, then going home and having panaderia-bought Spanish bread and Finetti (aka upper middle class Nutella) for dinner. And a glass of cold cranberry juice. Whatever makes you happy, you eat it.

Drawing for a Cause

bitmoji183224066No, I’m not making some art for charity, although I wish I am that talented to pull it off.

By “drawing”, I meant not doing tasks and not going to events I expressed interest in. Different factors are in play: priorities, finances, on some level the genuine interest, and tons of excuses. 🙂 HistoryCon? Pop Comicon? Reader’s Fest? Book yardsale? Cinemalaya/Cinematheque/Cinema76? Give me my drawing board, hahaha!

The tiny tinge of regret does not overpower the reason why I put them off — okay lang talaga. I can catch up in some other way. I am not busy busy with other things. Very minimal activities lang — reading (still), organizing my online storage (I mean, ebook cataloguing and album sorting are therapeutic activities), and believe it or not, working out.

Yes, working out. I only started last week, and despite raised brows and carino brutal chides, I still don’t have plans of stopping. Knowing my lameduck (pwede bang lamepig, hahaha) self, sweating it out and stretching my body parts were very strange concepts. I plan to change that. My friend Raft3r sent a stolen shot of me at the treadmill and mygahd, medyo unacceptable na. I’ve always liked my chubby self pero minsan it comes to you na hmm, hindi na bagay, pretty self! Time to work on it, and again, not aiming for the media-obsessed, plump-is-no-beautiful frame of mind. Iproportion lang.

bitmoji-454067576Working out is hard, moreso for people like me who barely stretched. There is something fulfilling in completing a guided workout though. Sweating profusely is another thing. Endorphinssss! But I still have to get myself checked because even if I no longer eat after a workout, I noticed I grew larger after a few days. I may be doing something wrong if nothing is wrong with me. Seriously, one of the reasons why I didn’t enjoy workout before was because I gained more weight when I started going to the gym or running in races. Food portion control does not work on me as fast also. Tumatanda na talaga.

Really, why am I doing this , you may ask. It’s for something I dabbled into with zero, with nil, with no realistic sign that I am up to it. I am praying for it because it’s more the mindset for everything to fall into place. Will definitely share once it’s finally happening. In the meantime, I will continue working out. Hindi man matuloy, hindi man pumayat, kahit lumakas na lang. Tipong I won’t see silver stars and feel like I’m dying after going up a footbridge, mga ganoon.

This is part of something I learned from a talk I attended: do something new each month. It does not have to be large scale, just something you have not done before. Thank you, The Better Story project for the inspiration. Hopefully, in getting into this groove, I won’t be drawing as much as I do.

Not Helping

I’m on my fifth day of a non-restrictive detox cleanse. I don’t think it helps in managing my moods! I said it previously about snapping easily, but the other end of that spectrum is the silly bout of emotions ranging from self-pity to helplessness. I hate them both — see, hate is a strong word which I avoid using as much as I can.

Ang hirap i-manage ng hormonal imbalance, friends and countrymen. No wonder drugs were created to assist people in dealing with it. I thank God for having something to do, actually plenty of things to do, because otherwise, I’d be pulling my hair out of my head one strand at a time.

It’s not all sadness and depression though. My shallowness is better than ever. Kung benta ang slapstick jokes sa akin before, mas tawang tawa ako sa sobrang corny na jokes ngayon. Hahaha 🙂 Medyo baliw-baliwan ang aura natin lately.

My detox cleanse ends in 30 days. I’ll tell you more about it, particularly if it works. Right now, natatawa lang ako because one of the fiber drinks is supposed to make me feel full. I am not feeling it! Kinakain ko pa din lahat ng makita ko. Ang husay.

It Comes and Goes, Don’t Trust It

imageMy fuse has been shorter than usual lately. I don’t deny that there are times when my anger management reflects poorly on my personality and I’ve atoned for them many times over. Lately, I can only blame hormones for it.

Someone asked me recently if I don’t get tired being angry. I guess I didn’t comprehend the question that much for I answered no — I took it in the context of letting the anger linger which I don’t do. If you know me long enough, you may have witnessed how I flare up in one big burst and then it dies down immediately. What the questioner probably meant was with the frequency, does it ever take a toll on me. Now that my moods are very erratic, I should have answered yes, I do. Because it does get very tiring and more so when you cannot do anything about it.

I am suffering from PCOS and most literature points to hormonal imbalance as one of its effects. My acne breakout of epic proportions early this year was a red waving flag. I still refuse to get medication though because, and this may seem very misguided, I don’t want medications to supposedly fix my reproductive system. I just don’t want to mess it up by introducing drugs. Very misguided, I know. Let us discuss that later.

The outlet that social media provides is healthy. There’s the TMI vs. form of release schools of thought on this, but if you are one to get relief, no matter how momentary, from spilling it out in lieu of an actual person to vent to, then I am totally for it.

For every Twitter meltdown I did, guilt came right after. And the embarrassment of how bipolar I may appear to some because after the end of whiny posts, I will RT or QT something totally upbeat and silly. Hormones, I guess?  Yeah, hormones.

Right now I am thankful to have friends tolerating my cyclical rants. They can be my personal psychologists, too, but with the underlying acceptance that at the end of the day, I will do my own thing anyway.

They say that happiness is an attitude. I find it hard to pivot my feelings to that direction lately. One of my bestfriends said I wasn’t like this for months now — distraction was key, perhaps. I know I can always do other things and distract myself from my routine. It really does work, you know. My struggle now is that I cannot find the will to make that one crucial step towards fighting it. I am not sure why and why for, but I do get pissed very easily lately. And the worse part is, now, I’m not even sorry.

Let me check back on this again in the next few weeks. I hope I have not made many enemies and burned bridges by then.