I had time today to sit down and attempt stringing words together but came up with this new short one instead of finishing at least five entries that are 80% complete.
My propensity to look back and re-read hinders me from finishing plenty of my blog drafts. I told myself I will finish a few but I found myself reading what I wrote in September 2006. I was churning 2-3 entries a day back then. I should take inspiration from that level of desire.
— Ms. J 🇵🇭 (@citizenjudie) September 3, 2018
I want to write for myself again. I was the best reader I had and that worked years back and affecting people was only incidental. It was still the best kind, imho.
Since I cannot completely do it because I’m still minding something (kalandian-related ano pa ba), I realized something: looking back gives me an odd form of a stopgap to distract me from my emotional mess.
I realized even in my Twitter threads that I drive back to how I was in love with someone a decade ago. It was catastrophic at best but maybe, I have been subconsciously referring to it to tell myself that see, that’s one of the most painful I’ve experienced, and also the closest brush to a very beautiful (albeit mean and harsh) kind of feelings, and I got through it. So this one, compared to that, this one was pfft; not even in the same league because there was nothing and let us mention the fact that it’s not proper, shall we?
So yeah, use the previous emotional calamity to prove that I do get over these things. Some took time, some took one giant ‘get out of my life’ boulder dropped in my head (which was deserved mga 40% because I was mean and bitchy and immature), some went away naturally. Different methods but they all arrived at the same kind of closure. I just have to find the best one that would work now.
At the moment I feel it’s really reliving that phase that works. Long periods of silence and weekends trigger me greatly but now I know better than wallow. Sometimes it is healthy looking back to get that big push to move forward. I’m getting there. A little more patience, self.