Hemming and Hawing

bitmoji-1972018012After a week of hemming and hawing, and a little wake up call from trusted friends, I am now laughing at the fact that the date I had last week is not getting another one. I don’t date very often so this is not so much a big deal but another worthy source of “Ano na namang pinasok mo, Juday” anecdotes in my sitcom of a life.

I wrote about it after it happened and reading it now, nah, it’s not worth publishing in its entirety. You know how they say you don’t rely on things you say when you’re emotional? So never mind. But many parts of it ring true:

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O di ba, parang first meeting lang ni VP Leni with President Duterte: it exceeded expectations! So yeah I did ask for the date because I’m an empowered woman (naks). Funny thing, that “coffee” thing was tricky. He thought I was presenting a business opportunity. NAKAKALOKA. But it was a good segue to make the invite more casual because I found the chance to joke about it and say, “Hindi ko tatanungin kung open-minded ka, inaaya kitang mag-date ano ka ba?!”

I have not done this dating thing in a while so I really don’t know if they changed the rules or what. It was only over coffee, meaning easier to bolt when things go awry. So when we’re there, parang shet, anong first question dapat? Good thing he started with the book that was on the table and from there he became the Boy Abunda the entire time (meaning he asked all the questions, hahaha).

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Looking back, I did say a lot about myself, and really, kung masama lang na tao yung date ko, OMG he can practically sell me out, and use my identity to be implicated in some crime. Hahaha! But I only cringed for a short time. Wala na, naidaldal ko na ang buhay ko eh. Plus he’s not that interested anyway so there’s even a chance he didn’t remember everything I said (though he might, matalino yon eh. Naks.) You know why I don’t bother? Coz I know in my heart it was only my “jittery Juday” reaction. Remember this?

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So sorry na lang, date.

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This is the part I’ve spent much hemming and hawing on. I told someone I very rarely feel this. So when I did, as much as I told myself never to expect, the silly expectation monster creeped in and waved its evil hand at me. See, this guy is so smart, makes strong cases about things even with what very little he posts on social media, and jeez, he types in complete sentences kahit pumapatol lang sa shallow issues (minsan napapadami ang emoticons but it’s okay, my love, hahaha). Intelligence is really a turn on for me and add to that yung konting smugness na hindi naman tipong inaalipusta ka na, okay? He’s all that and more. He was evasive in spilling some details (that was a red flag there) but in topics where general thoughts were needed, ay mga toto at inday, swooning ako. Deep inside lang.

Where was I? Yeah, the part where I did not feel the compulsion to impress, and all the first date/best foot forward shenanigans. Wala. Waley! And yes, I remember using ‘waley’ in one of my comments to him. WAY TO GO, JUDAY.

If all these reasons made me oddly comfortable, could it be the very same reasons why he became uninterested (or disinterested ba? Help.)? Maybe.

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I mentioned above how I lived off on very little I know about this person before meeting him again. So I’m open to the possibility that I might see something off or iffy na matuturn off ako talaga. But I know it’s God’s sense of humor at work. The guy was everything I made up in my head and more, like this little “MFEO yata tayo” moment:

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Although there is one thing that made me think a teeny tiny bit — when he told me I was brave, not once but thrice. Kinilig ako in a warrior kind of way (tapang daw eh), for it’s like a validation. “And you said yes”, I even remember telling him. It would have been clearer had he finished it off with what that katapangan meant to him. Without it it’s like (this is the proud side of me talking), ang tapang mo ha, to do this to me. It’s hard to fully convey but sometimes, I think about that. Kahit wala — waley — naman na magiging effect.

That, and the reality that it’s been a week and there’s nothing, and then there’s the rain. When he was paying the bill, I knew I wanted a second, a third, a fourth date. When we said our goodbyes, I knew there’s never gonna be a second one.

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I knew it that early. It took me a week to process it fully. The wait was agonizingly slow. Kahit at the back of my head wala naman na akong hinihintay.

I’m no longer in the business of dissecting what went wrong. The reason was simple. And once I (kind of) got past that, natatawa na lang ako sa sarili ko. Then I started remembering the little details. Plots B, C, and D kumbaga. Like hindi ko maexplain kung kinikilig ba ako talaga or because I needed to pee badly (I had tea latte, and hello, diuretic). Or when I cannot look at him (dahil kinikilig ako), napapatingin ako sa payong niya (it was raining hard when he came) at naisip ko, Ay, floral yung payong nya. Pero sloppy ang pagkakalagay dun sa plastic. Isinaksak na lang talaga sa loob. Hihihihi. We’re good.  And how he’s taller than I expected. At mahaba ang paa. So hmm, divided by 2 plus 2. Hahaha! #objectificationofmen 🙂 Mga ganyang kababawan that I didn’t gloss over much dahil overall, every word feels like a shooting star nga di ba?

I told myself I won’t be asking anymore. Tama na yung isang beses. Sometimes though, the stubborn part of me thinks, eh bakit hindi ko na kayang tanungin ulit? Bawal? That’s the struggle. It’s like applying for a job. Nainterview ka na. Ayaw ka nila. Humanap ka na ng ibang trabaho. The chances you will be given a second look and the decision will change? Possible but does not happen very often.

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This is not a unique experience. Braver people have done this many times that it doesn’t even merit talking about it. As for myself, it could have been a great one kasi. Could’ve been so beautiful, could’ve been so right, sabi nga ni Tiffany. That’s what I thought of it. I still like him a lot.

So why blog about it? Well, if I got a second date, I wouldn’t be talking about this. Eh waley. So, tadaaaaa! 🙂

5 thoughts on “Hemming and Hawing

  1. Pingback: Chillax | Citizen Judie

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