My Facebook newsfeed last night was rife with the survey saying most people prefer humor over good looks. I am not one to believe in surveys but I would also choose the same if asked. My penchant for self-deprecation aside, life has shown me that really, at the end of the road, it’s your personality that matters. Sometimes it’s just fun poking holes at these truths because once a month you get hormonal and your self-esteem hits an all-time low.
Anyway, it brings to mind the book I just finished reading, CarlJoe Javier’s The Kobayashi Maru of Love. It’s not a sci-fi romance as I thought it was. It’s simply a chunk of life of the author pre, during, and post one romantic relationship which really affected him. The Star Trek reference was because the author’s a self-proclaimed geek which he got to tie around the narrative anyway. It’s seldom for me to read about a man’s POV about these things so I got curious. I learned that males and females share the same feelings about being in a relationship, breaking up, and dating, and really, I saw myself in some of the situations he got himself into, particularly this:
See, not a few have told me I am funny and bubbly. I personally believe it, too. I am quiet at first but when I feel enough comfort to peel that layer off, I’d be noisy and I can be pretty much a talker. I’m wired that way. However, sometimes, I fail to keep my words and tone in check that I come off condescending and rude.
There’s this guy I really like who is talkative, smart, and funny as hell so you know, I always feel the need to keep conversations going even when I was just a blathering idiot sometimes. I pull it off naman but sometimes I think in an effort to be funny, to counter a banter, I sound condescending. I know he may or may not be serious when he commented, in jest, that some things I said were racist but I know they were. I knew it the moment they escaped my lips. Thing is, it’s never my intention. There are jokes na naitatawid mo in Tagalog which sound funny and not hurtful. Should I factor in my nervousness because, taking it from the image above, I only wanted to be liked? Maybe. Maybe not. What I am afraid to find out is what if I am really like that pala ano?
Anyway, I am happy with the way things are going in my life, save for this intermittent craziness and insecurities which, I assure, are very short-lived. As short-lived as after getting milk tea, it goes away. But seriously, this facade of snapping easily, of showing I can perfectly hold it on my own, while true, are vibes I give off cemented by years of being alone. No one has been there to tell me it’s okay to not be in charge all the time. Wala eh. I once wrote in my journal that a future boyfriend only has to spare 30 hours a week, give or take, being in a relationship with me. This is to argue against comments that being in a relationship takes a lot of your time. Remind me to show you my silly computation. My other point there probably is sometimes, my needs are as simple as cuddling when you can spare me some time (hugs are the best, admit it). A passionate kiss. A great meal. A hearty laugh over a conversation. Amazing sex, if not too much to ask. That basic, for I have things to do, too. Kaya lang, wala eh. Nyehehe. 😛
My friend R always comes across romantic relationships in her work and sometimes we would question how come some women barely did anything (well, is flashing men on webcams a thing?) yet they have something we are still working so hard to get. Life is unfair, that’s a fact. Sometimes, the waiting part is unbearable and the “the best is yet to come” consolation is a bullshit ploy to keep you from questioning the universe. Don’t get me wrong, I am fine now than in my twenties with this singlehood thing but the longing does not go away, it only gets easier to handle. All the trying, all the putting yourself on the chopping block of pain, they only get manageable through time — they have the same result anyway. I’ve been unsuccessful a lot of times that really, I once told someone when a guy reciprocates romantic feelings, I wouldn’t know what to do and would even say, “Wait, wait, this is not normal!” Lately, I learned how to laugh at myself for all my flubs and blunders. They are good sitcom material, I’m telling you.
So see, this might explain more of my blabbering like Honey Boo Boo on a double sugar rush when I’m with someone I like. I wish I could put a sign on my back that says, “I’m nicer and more normal when I go beyond this kilig phase.” Tao lang.
Anyhoo, enjoy tomorrow! It’s Friday. And to some, it’s payday. Right? 🙂