The end of 2009 saw me trying out new things and exploring other options. I am expecting something, yes, but I am always open to whatever it brings. Let’s just say I will lose nothing by doing it. Isn’t it the best kind of risk?
Anyway, since the year started I was met with little doubts if I should do it at all. Typical form of doubt, I guess. I may be doing a lot of activities, dabbling into many new stuff, but in a larger scheme of things, I have not made as big a move as the one I TRIED going into.
Whatever happens to my latest endeavor, I will gladly accept it. It will be fantastic to get a favorable result, no matter how remote the possibility is for me. I used to have very high hopes, and really, the apparent advantages are staring me in the face, but it’s not only me and about me. It’s a competition.
I hope this would not affect anything all but I’m having jitters about this move. It’s like getting married soon and having bouts of cold feet, or getting engaged and suddenly being more attractive to the opposite sex than you have ever been. They all want to implicitly ask, “Are you sure you want to do it? It’s good in here. Maybe even better.” Sometimes, I have the exact sentiment. There are tons of wonderful opportunities and phases that are very worthy looking into at exactly where I am now. They somehow gently tapped my shoulder so I can take a look and for once, decide if I should really jump out of the nest.
At any rate, I am just thinking that God has the upper hand here, as He has always been. Maybe this confusion, or fear with an unknown origin, is here to squeeze the truth out of me; somehow I need to tell the universe that, “Yes, this is what I really want. I know the alternatives. I am choosing this.” The problem is I have not figured out what variables I am choosing. Yet.