i know who’s the boss of me now

Iit-never-ends am doing something that I terribly missed. What makes it potentially disastrous is that I am still carrying traces of my old motivation, something that has caused me too much pain in a not-so-distant past.  At a glance, it’s easy to say that I never learned. Maybe I have not, and I gave in to a whim that for purposes of reconstructing my wounded pride and letting events simmer down, should have been postponed to a much later time as time heals wounds, as the crappy cliché goes.

In short, hindi ko talaga kayang tiisin kapag nagpaparamdam na uli eh. Atsaka masaya ako dun sa ginagawa ko. Hindi ko na tinitignan ulit kung nilalagay ko na naman ba sa chopping board yung ulo ko because not only it’s getting ahead of both of us, masama naman yatang maging skeptic sa lahat ng motibo.

A little part of me still screams bakit ko hinahayaang mangyari ulit ito, lalo na this soon, na parang ganun na lang ba, parang walang nangyari. Alam ko naman yun. Kaya lang nangingibabaw kasi yung masaya eh.

Alam ko namang wala na, wala talaga. Matagal nang established yun. Hindi na dapat i-issue sa akin yun. Matalino ako, nakuha ko na yun noon pa. Ngayon lang, I simply take comfort in knowing na basta andyan pa rin, sa tabi-tabi, pakalat-kalat.

A very good male friend made me promise that I won’t be too available all the time. Kasi alam naman na hindi ako nawawala eh; nagagalit, oo, pero hindi naglalaho. Hindi kailanman mararamdam na , “Wala na nga si Judith”. Hindi man sadya, subconsciously nakakalakas daw ng loob yun na gumawa ng masakit sa kapwa kasi alam mong papatawarin ka rin naman eventually.  Gusto ko naman din sundin yun kasi nakita ko kung gaano kahalaga yun lalo na sa self-esteem ko. Kaya lang, hindi ko makita sa ngayon yung end that would justify this action. Para ano pa? Tawagin man akong cheap and easy, hindi ko na problema yun kasi alam kong hindi totoo. Atsaka pinatawad ko e, although I am very mindful already of actions na alam ko na ngayong kayang gawin sa akin, the bigger picture necessitates I move on, open a new chapter, get things back to whatever level of “normal” was left. Ganun nga ang magkaibigan di ba? Ah ewan, hindi ko na alam.

Pasensya na, bumabagyo eh.

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