I am very very tired. It’s physical exhaustion that’s brought by a different kind of activity which my elders told me I should be preparing for. They’re talking about taking care of children. Ugh.
I know I said I’m kind of maternal lately but I know there’s more, a lot lot more, than simply feeling maternal to get through it.
I truly appreciate my mother now and all mothers out there, particularly those who have no yayas.
I also realized that it’s not just with adults, it seems for all human beings, I truly take interest in those who are sort of out of the conventional mold. In this instance, I instantly liked a kid who’s caught in the midst of too many kids in that he’s not paid much attention compared to his siblings and cousins, add to the fact that he’s quite difficult to manage to start with. He has an attitude and it would be accurate to say he’s stubborn, actually. But you know, we clicked. They were surprised why he always found refuge in me, following me wherever I go, watching everything I do. What surprised me though was that I usually get pissed when a little imp does that to me but this time, I wasn’t; I even enjoyed his company. However, he did not turn into an angel when with me. He was still a bit difficult and hard-headed but let’s just say he didn’t win when he’s with me. I still refused his ridiculous whims and I reprimanded him whenever I felt it was appropriate but through them all, he still stuck with me. I can’t explain it either. Someday though, I hope his bullheadedness will change because it’s just so uncool. They said that when he attends a regular school he will change. I really hope so. Although I’m not saying he’s so so bad; he’s not. In fact, he can be argumentative and borderline witty. For example, I told him “Wag mo pinapakialaman yung laptop ko, okay?” and he told me, “Gusto ko lang naman maramdaman yung nararamdaman mo!” Then he was telling me about his dad “killing” the rats found in their apartment:
“Takot ka ba sa rats?”
“Opo. *makes disgusted sound*
“Nung nakita mo yung rats sa bahay nyo, e di takot na takot ka?”
“O, kasasabi mo lang takot ka sa rats di ba?!”
“Eh kasasabi ko lang din patay na di ba?”
He is three years and four months old. So he’s got a long time ahead of him to shape up, or keep up his street smarts to survive in this world. He went home this morning and I already miss him, especially since I didn’t get to bring him to “Suwendwa” and to “Markets Markets” as I promised.
Anyway, here’s my favorite picture of said kid, my nephew Bryan. He wasn’t particularly pleased that he’s sharing an arcade ride with his other little cousins so I asked him to please please show me a smile. This was the best he could come up with. Fake na fake yan, hahaha!!! I can already see a future bully in him. =) I wish it won’t reach the point of us having to withdraw money to bail him out of jail, wag naman sana =)
My relatives weren’t fans of my rearing skills. There was one time when a nephew who wouldn’t go with anyone but her mother (it is good in many ways but he has to learn to be with his dad, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, you know?!), started screaming bloody murder when he could not find his mom who was in the comfort room. I scooped him up and brought him outside but not to distract him, although if showing him passing cars, trees or walking people did the trick, it would have been better. His screechy wail was already disturbing the neighborhood so my mother asked me what I was doing. I told her I was doing nothing, I was actually experimenting on how long a child of his age (14 months) can cry. At some point he’s got to stop, either because he’s tired, he’s all cried up, or he finally accepted that his bawling won’t make her mother come. They all said I was cruel. I indignantly beg to differ!!! I was not cruel. I was testing something (I told my mother I bet a hundred pesos that it will only take him five minutes tops, but she didn’t bite) AND teaching him a lesson that not everything he wants should be given to him. Ahaha, I wonder if I can be a good parent with this kind of principle. =)
Today, I felt more how it’s going to be when I have a kid and we have to go to church and then to the mall (or like a typical Sunday to me). Somewhere deep deep deep down in me it felt very nice. Being someone’s mother really takes a lot of sacrifice and adjustments (and to think I only get to live inside “a typical Sunday with Mommy and baby”!). See, my niece Sherrie, who did not like being with me before beyond peek-a-boo sessions, suddenly felt a strange affiliation to me that she totally ignored her mother the whole day and chose to be with me instead!
She insisted that we hold hands whenever we walk and frankly, when you drag a wobbly sixteen-month old kid along that stretch of Greenbelt-Landmark-Glorietta-SM, at an early point of your stroll, any kid would be bound to ask to be carried rather than continue walking with you. And that’s what happened to us plus it didn’t make it more enjoyable that my usual bag weighs as heavy as her. =( Anyway, even if her mom cajoled her into buying baby stuff and shoes and dresses, she still wanted to be with me. People thought she was my daughter! Even when we had dinner, she insisted on being seated beside me and would only eat anything from me. Whenever I went up to go to the washoom, she would wrench herself from the baby chair and wail like crazy because she thought I was leaving her.
Until we got home, she insisted that she wash herself with me, that I put her sleepclothes on her (her “meme jammy”) , that we play first, and all’s still fun until she finally fell asleep. I was so exhausted to think she’s not a difficult child at all! My arms are sore! But when I look back at how she never wanted to be away from me, how she would press her cheek to mine when we walk, I find myself smiling.
Once again, I wasn’t pissed at all. I refrained from other peripheral daydreams of “me: future wife and mommy” but instead focused on how big of a responsibility it was to care for Sherrie. I felt like a grown up human being. Hahaha!!!
Maybe it’s what House meant by “unconditional need”, which in this case is wanting to be a mother because of a perpetual desire to be needed by someone. Hmmm.
Anyway, this is my favorite shot of Sherrie and me today. We were so happy eating. She obviously was. Hahaha!!!
After all my child encounters this vacation, maybe it’s not so bad to entertain the idea of being a mother soon. I once hated children but those were just isolated moments. Take note, I said that this insane self-love I have going with myself can be responsibly balanced by having someone to love , the kind that is not just primarily motivated by lust.
Tomorrow, I will be back to being alone, our house would be empty as my two midlifers-slash-housemates (my uncle and my mom) are always out of the house. I will be back to doing my usual Judith stuff. Maybe I’d enjoy them more now that I experienced other forms of diversions. I’ll let you know tomorrow. =)