My very last entry before I started scribbling again was dated July 20. I did not even finish it. The last sentence read, I’m wondering how the next days would unfold. Well, wonder no more, I told myself. Because I’ve been there, and looking at everything that happened since, I think I could not recount them anymore just to fill the journal pages. Some things were posted in this blog, a lot more were simply stored in my mind. The way I’m not interested in collating all of them may say a lot about how I don’t see its relevance now. It happens, as often said.
I am sometimes very immature that I like feeding a random provocation. I like being catty especially when I know that I have some kind of edge over something. But I know it’s not consistent with a grown-up’s package so I fight the itch until it goes away. More importantly, I am sifting now. In one of our conversations, he told me about “reference points”, to relate how his ex would evade topics involving her husband when they talk. She’s answering his questions within the context of their numerous reference points because that’s something that’s theirs. Pondering on that, I now know that it’s true…and normal. See, someone in my past, even he’s not my ex but just a very good friend (who was so gentle in telling me he didn’t like me back), would do the same. When he emails, he wouldn’t address concerns about his wife or their life. It’s always about him and me. When he sends me stuff, it’s always from him, not from them. For my part, I had to squeeze in his wife’s name out of courtesy. But see, now I understood it more. Except that I don’t call it reference points, but sphere of existence.
Since I realized it, I have to live it, too. I was still immature, yes, when I wanted someone, something entirely, wholly. In a winnable setup, perhaps such as this, I am content with the little time and attention within our own sphere of existence. There are things we can always talk about, new things that we can share, subject matters we can dig from our friendship box and discuss in detail. I refuse to care anymore what he does or what he shares to this other person, or to his other friends. For one, I have no sufficient clout. Another thing…oh, I think that’s about it. But seriously, I am happy to have whatever it is that we have now. I think we always have it between us, I just didn’t pay this much attention. I mean, we have been friends for four years.
Besides, I have a lot of people whom I share spheres of existence with. Some of these spheres overlap and that’s where the fun rises to a whole new level. Hmmm, maybe I am not so much a hardcore fan of being alone after all.