Looking for baggage that goes with mine.

I just watched a movie where infidelity was not necessarily glorified but was shown in such a way that people jump to another nest in search of a better him/her, not simply to find a filler for whatever the wife/husband lacked.

I dread to be in the shoes of the wife who was left behind, as well as the mistress who obviously brings out the better version of a man but is too morally constrained to carry on with it so eventually has to let go.

There’s a whole gamut of infidelity issues that I have to understand. If you know me well enough, you would know that I have terrible examples of such to reckon with.

See, I have a constant nagging fear that I would always be left behind in the end.

Relationships almost always do not go well. I don’t have to go far, look at my family.

Sometimes, I think of engaging in non-committal relationships just to avoid getting hurt.

I watched the season 3 finale of House, and Cameron going to Chase on a Monday (they always have sex on Tuesdays) made me wince. She already learned to care for Chase. Come on, whatever happened to your, “I still think true love’s out there, it’s just very far away. Possibly in another galaxy…So I’m thinking we should have sex…Despite the wisdom of pop songs, there’s no point in putting our lives on hold ’til love comes along. We’re both healthy and busy people. ..And of all the people I work with, you’re the one I’m least likely to fall in love with…The point here is to make things simpler, not more complicated. Someday there’ll be time to get serious about someone. Meanwhile, we already had sex once and didn’t get weird about it.”

She learned to care and perhaps love Chase. If the succeeding scripts will be written in real life, it’s gonna be downhill from the moment she waited on Chase’s doorstep a day before their sex day (ironically, they, as a real-life couple, broke off their engagement but continued to be good friends especially now that they will be in season 4 of the show. See?).

On the other hand, this denial and apparent disdain for happy-ever-afters could only mean I’m concealing a capacity to love so submissive, it risks total emotional devastation when not reciprocated as expected. Even my mother thinks so; she feels I’m going to be all blind, mute and deaf to everything if and when I fall in love. It hasn’t happened yet, mainly because I have been too mindful to abort it when a chance presents itself.

My college boyfriend left me because he thought I was too selfish (he didn’t say the word but that’s what he meant) because there wasn’t much effort from me to reach out.  He asked me back exactly a year after we broke up he broke up with me and I tried filling in my “gaps” as a girlfriend. I still can’t. When I think of it now, I just tell myself that I was in college then, what do you know when you’re at that age?

I went out with a guy 12 years older than me and had to break it off. Even though he has more solid disposition than me, I felt I wasn’t ready to give in and that if I do, he will be short-changed and then will leave me anyway. Last I heard, he is still unmarried but attached at 37  but stepping out of it probably is one of the wisest decisions I’ve made.

I went out with someone for a short time, whom my mother surprisingly liked, but it was too ideal, I felt he will be short-changed and he will leave me if I cannot deliver enough. Either that or I didn’t really love him as much at all. We’re still in touch but we never talk about it.

After that, I went out with someone who’s probably as f*cked up as me in terms of having the same fear but if it was what brought us together, it surely was what eventually tore us apart.

Somehow, I see this pattern of restraint that is best described as “I don’t love you enough” but in truth, meant “I can’t risk getting hurt because I know I cannot live up to this which will make you leave me, so I’m giving myself a headstart by making you feel I don’t care”. Sometimes, I attribute it to my age, and to fate telling me that they were bridges I had to cross until I get to the real thing. I just think though, what if I don’t stop crossing bridges? What if I really fear giving it to someone until no one is left to be another bridge for me cross? Sure, I joke about having a backup partner in case doom comes but what do you know, he could be on his way to finding his own true and lasting fate soon. Backup agreements never work.

They say if the right person comes, I would know. I would lay everything down, give every bit of me, no questions asked. The problem is, with all the paranoia that my failed relationships, and the relationship dilemmas of the people around have brought me, I don’t think it will be easy to distinguish if the right one is already in front of me.

In the meantime, I watch from the sidelines and see all these people get hurt and get clobbered. The view? Scary but nice.

One thought on “Looking for baggage that goes with mine.

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