i’m a dropper

I put off writing about this. Now it seems futile to seek advices anymore.

Since time is of essence, I have come to the decision of dropping my classes tomorrow. It’s not a 100% decision but the remaining zeal that I have isn’t enough to get me through. Today is kind of like the make-or-break day, and I obviously broke it.

I wrote down my arguments pertaining to this decision. They are not necessarily in order of which side they’re on. Sort of like a free flowing type:

1. I am not as “devoted” to the classes as last semester.
It is not about the professor, first and foremost. Neither it is about the subjects. In fact, I invested more in these classes than last sem’s. Yes, in terms of references— heck, I even applied for a library card and actually borrowed books outside the syllabi requirements. My office library even became a hangout for a while. I was addicted to the wonderful world of Ebscohost and Proquest. All of these, and I don’t I understand why I can’t go through with the classes.

2. My laziness vice compliance rate was satisfactory than now.
Corollary to number 1, last sem, I was not only confined to the prescribed references of the profs, I even crammed everything that were required. Yes, from reports, book reviews, final exam reviews, report handouts, to final papers— their significant similarity was the fact that I did all of them 24 hours before the actual deadline. See, I was lazy beyond help but I did manage to get over it on time. I was aware of some classmates who were delinquent with submission dates, but I… I submitted everything on time. Again, the pertinent question, “Why can’t I do that now?” And before I forget, I am not lifting my own bench here but I got VERY DECENT grades for all this cramming crap last sem.

3. My time is more manageable now.
The prof is always away. We occasionally meet on Saturdays. I have more time to read my materials. I wasn’t able to attend two weeks worth of classes but my prof said as long as I make good with the “substantive” part, I am in no danger. I thought that I will be incomplete with the book review requirement until I received an email from a classmate that on the submission day, as far as he knew, no one did (submit, that is). Anyway, I used to be so pressed for time and energy last sem, what with Thursday and Friday classes (yes, messing up my Friday socials).  But then again…refer to the “pertinent question” in number 3.

4. I read and tried to comprehend but simply can’t absorb them.
Civil-military relations and the regional organizations (esp. the ASEAN) are very interesting areas. I am very aware of that. It’s not like Geophysics or something that I obviously wouldn’t be interested in. However, I tried reading. They were interesting. I learned a lot. But when asked for comments, I cannot say anything. Like, let’s leave them at that, I only read facts! It became a problem when I was asked to formulate a research question. I am more for not messing the equilibrium by questioning it. The professor said for every observation, you can possibly come up with a problem by asking, “So?” I am just not too equipped to find a problem out of something vast that deep inside me I know has the potential to be problematic in the first place. 

5. These classes are two important Area IV subjects. 
I need them to start the ball rolling in one of my disciplinal areas. Plus, they’re six-freaking-units. The tuition fee I paid, I can probably have a week of sleepless nights to get over it. The time wasted—that is another question.  And think of the hassle of dropping. It’s like a few steps short of enrolling, albeit backwards.

6. My grieving process wants to tell me that I indeed lost my momentum.
This is an inner argument that I don’t give much attention to, but may hold the answer to all of the above. I was excited when the sem started in early November. I felt more involved in the classes (too shallow, but I was tasked to make the classes’ e-groups, sort of like keeping everyone in the loop became a task). Then on the last week of November, my father died. It’s over and done, but I think I never regained the momentum that came crashing down so quickly. My grief counselor (aka boss) implied that I may be going through that stage. It’s only been 80 days. And they say the first year is really the hardest. Now, I don’t want to make my father’s death the excuse for this, but how else can I explain my wanting to be less complicated again? My wanting to work for 8 hours, and do what I want (not what I have to do, i.e, study because I was enrolled), including to stare into nothingness for as long as I want?  I know that this isn’t the most fruitful way of moving on gracefully, but I also have to allow myself to do it until such time when the desire is kicking wildly again. 

I hope to accomplish the dropping part without glitches.I have a project in the works to make this decision not totally useless. I cannot say that by June, when another semester opens, I will be up to it again. For the sake of continuity, maybe I will enroll again. But that’s 3 more months to wait for. Anyway, in the coming weeks, our department will take another distance learning course, and my supervisor endorsed other leadership training courses for me, too. These and THE personal project should keep me up and about while I allow myself to go through the stream of the grieving process.

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