do as i say and you will live

Now, if only I can tell that to myself. Well, guess I’m doing it lately, listening to that inner person in me, that’s why I arrive at these different decisions (the consequences of which are supposed to be inevitable).

What am I talking about? Let’s see…spending time with my officemates instead of going out alone, just like what I’ve always done. I just had this sudden itch to be with people. The topics we talked about, I can just say whatever I said there, I can stand up to, in case shit happens. I just hope all of us would be able to do so.  See, there’s this perpetual bullshit going on in the office even before I came in 4 years ago. It’s something that’s either indestructible or something that’s pointless. Maybe this year, it’s getting nastier. We have yet to see the end of it. No one can see it anyway, the “camps” can only wish. For my part, as long as I am not directly affected, I can only dispense advices, not necessarily from the manual of The Art of War. Keeping your bullets, the strong ones at that, should probably encapsulate my whole advice. I actually enjoyed the food and conversation about our personal lives, which came towards the end. Talking about other people is, yes, nice, but for me it’s always more fulfilling to talk about yourself, or about people who are present. Sign of narcissism? Could be, but I like it more.

*    *    *

I didn’t go to school today. I didn’t get to do my plan either, if and when I do decide to skip class. It’s because my relatives came to visit. There are two kids. And I’m sorry, but it’s still a struggle for me to be a good hostess. With our house not too big, whenever people more than 4 stay longer, it’s like I feel my personal space is intruded. I am so immature, right? And I can’t help it. I think I will never be one of those who can sleep in dorms.

However, in an effort to overcome this, much more this level of uncomfortable feeling whenever these people from the province come visit, I skipped class so I can spend time with them. I let them touch my computer, play with it, let them watch DVDs with me. It’s no walk in the park, but it’s a good try.

Then later, even if I am craving for free time in the afternoon (“Time to do more things” as my friend E said in passing yesterday), I am going with them to Baywalk (they’re kids, how much fun do you think they simply need?), and maybe derive pleasure from taking lots of pictures.

It’s not that I don’t love them. Maybe in some hidden part of me I love them. In fact, I love lots of people. It’s easy for me to care for them. Maybe I just suck at making it felt when my personal needs clamor to be taken first. Human nature, I guess. Some people just has this amazing gift of recognizing, and actually fulfilling, this responsibility to care for others.

I am thinking now in terms of how much these people care for me. And that if push comes to shove, these are the ones who would stick with me. I have been shielded and sheltered so much all these years that I’m thankful for it to pieces, but sadly, it didn’t expose me to this realm of “giving and caring”, or maybe the part of “doing something back”. Selfless, ingrate, horrible person. Yes, I know.

*     *    *

Anyway, I watched the third episode of Heroes. It’s getting better, and I just wish I had more time (and personal space, I don’t live in a mansion, people). Then, the title of this entry, I’m so weirdly proud to mention. I finally watched Snakes on a plane. That awfully best film of all the bad movies ever made.  And yes, just like most of you who watched it, I had a ball when Agent Flynn said, “I’ve had enough of these motherf***ing snakes on this motherf***ing plane!!!” I swear, I could have laughed harder when it’s on the big screen. I would have made enemies that day, unless of course we were all doing the same thing. I completely understand the cult-hype that it generated. One of the best laughs I got since the year started. I thought I will never feel so entertained with a very bad movie since Air Bud (sorry kids) and Psycho (with Anne Heche and Vince Vaughn), and of course, the Scary Movies (yes, all of them).

*    *    *

For now, I’m going to do what my conscience, or heart, oh hell, whoever that is speaking in my head, tells me to do so that I’ll live. It means, as for short-term goals, I should eat lunch (it’s almost 4 pm), take a bath, bring the visiting relatives somewhere nice, and maybe read a few as it may not be too late to catch up with school.

3 thoughts on “do as i say and you will live

  1. Guilty ako!!! Ako rin, when my relatives come to visit us, feeling ko napaka plastic ko. Parang napipilitan lang akong makipagkwentuhan sa kanila. Pero I’m thankfu na hindi na ako ganun, ngayon. hehe. although there are times talaga na ayokong humarap sa kanila. bad pa rin, noh? but what can i do? hay!

  2. ^ Thank you very much! I know, God is and will always be there for me. I am just too stubborn sometimes. It’s always a stuggle to see things the way He wants it for us, but when we’re in the correct path, the journey will go smoothly. Maybe it’s the human in me that deliberately misses the right track once in a while in search of shallow and irrelevant fulfillments 🙂

    Thanks for dropping by!

  3. Hello my friend. I’m one of those people who lovely and simply go through life even when @you#know*what& happens. Well, all I can say is that whatever’s happening in your life, you don’t always have to listen JUST to yourself. I mean, yeah… all those “inward voices” and “my big self selfish I-can-help-myself” are pointless and actually, helpless. When you feel “overcrowded” and know that things are hidden behind the walls, God is always there to help ya put the puzzle back together!!

    Jesus loves you!! 🙂

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