everything changes

Everything changes except my old habits.

It is such a tall order to command myself to change just because I turned another year older. Old habits die hard. And I think, it’s not working for me that I’m trying to change what I am for the longest time.

For one, I probably suck at maintaining a planner. Sure, it reminds me of things to do, but I seldom fulfill everything written in its pages. It’s simply a written reminder, with no threat of any grave consequence if I didn’t comply.

Sometimes though, I wonder if this what keeps me going, and what keeps me “effective” in my own standard. I am not as diligent as most of my colleagues, and yes, I have been delinquent with requirements, be it in school or at work. A part of me thinks that it is psychological to keep all this “resolve to change my attitude” drama, and the reason that I am still at it, barely moving towards progress, is because I don’t want myself to change. Of course, there’s that tiny voice at the other end that convinces me that it is not bad to improve, or worse, I shouldn’t wait for that time when I will be reprimanded for not doing basically the same things I listed in my planner, day by day, but were only met by double strikethroughs of a red ink.

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