Think. Hard.

I feel that I have plunged into studying again too fast, too soon. However, there are moments when I feel that there is no better time to do this than now. I am trying to see if because of the upcoming midterms and tons of papers to pass, and the book-by-book (as opposed to chapter-by-chapter) reference approach, that I find graduate school very stifling and tiring. Unlike my level 1 Spanish class last year which I dropped like a hot potato, I can’t simply turn my back on this one. The schedule and the grueling commute do drain me but I’m getting used to them now, that’s why I’m looking for the real sentiment as to why I feel I am not in the right place at this time.

Truth be told, I feel bombarded with too many information but I can’t cope. Well, it’s always been the proud side of me that’s been dying to be opinionated and all when I don’t know shit about any important topic. There are people who exist comfortably talking about scholarly stuff, and I’m basically not like them, but I’ve been trying hard to be one. Most of the time, I end up being an observer. Maybe it’s because I am still in the learning stage, don’t you think? Or maybe, I’m not just meant to be like that. I know very little. Information just come and go to me. My mind is a big fishnet with a lot big holes as well.

I could be doing another form of self-deprecation, as I always tend to do — I have self-esteem issues, as you might have noticed. This is what I think of myself now.

See, deviating (a.k.a studying) from my routine of floating in nothingness (a.k.a working, watching, reading, having my self-defined form of socials) made me see that I missed out on a lot of opportunities to learn things. I was struck by the if only’s that should have prepared me for this phase. Now, I have a lot of things to read and to learn. If I take a break from studying after this sem, there is no assurance that I will catch up, but at least I will get back a luxury called timeMinsan naman, I’m thinking that it’s a waste skipping a sem or two. The momentum and continuity will suffer. It’s a matter now of praying for the realization of what side outweighs the other.

Well, some factors can also affect this decision. My leave credits will be used up very soon, and if I enroll next sem, and provided that the schedules are the same (kasi goodluck na lang if there will be a Saturday schedule), I won’t have enough to last me until we get a new set of forfeitable credits.  It can be remedied by taking ONE course on a weekday next sem (it will be a bonus if there will be a Saturday class just so I would take six units again).

So simply put, the dilemma is, will I continue next sem? If I will, would it be worthy to take just one three-unit course? If I won’t, will the next five months (at least) “prepare” me, and make me catch up with information so bluntly, hindi naman ako bangenge sa affairs of the world? Is the shock of the rigors of graduate school finally taking its toll that’s why I am this way?

You know, all of the questions merit a YES to me, so I’m confused. As usual.

I will have my first mid-term exam on Thursday and I am updating my blog instead of slowly reading on the references. Then before I sleep I’m going to read Vogue. Or maybe that book in my bedside table (Donna Tartt’s The Secret History). Or that new addition to the bedside table (Jonathan Kellerman’s Survival of the Fittest). Or the one nearer the bedside lamp (the latest issue of Time). See, I have started too many things with no proper closures.  As a result, I am giving myself too many “breaks” versus actualy studying, which should be the one taking a higher degree of priority now.

I am really a problematic character.       

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