i’ve been sooo busy but i loved every minute of it. of course, ngayon ko na lang narerealize ‘yon. i am thinking that maybe i need to seize moments as they come pero in a way that will not appear na i started so many stuff pero i never get to finish many of them. you probably know in my past entries na that’s what i’ve been probably doing in my life.
i am appreciating work now, i don’t know why. but it does not mean that i love it, i don’t wanna leave; iba yon. it’s like accepting na finally that this is what i’ve been doing, is currently doing, and would be doing until i find something that would make me feel na i could be better on that side. mahirap magmalaki kasi nung wala ka namang fall back. sure, i can rant over and over about how wretched my life in the office is…pero kung paalisin ako, saan ako pupulutin di ba? considering na i’m not a real risk-taker. .—> which reminds me of my long overdue coffee talk with my friend. ewan ko ba, ang dami kong friends who want to talk about work stuff…talaga kayang ganito? is this what monica geller said to rachel green na “welcome to the real world…it sucks…you’re gonna love it!”? i am seeing now na ang daling mag-advice pero pag ie-execute mo na for yourself, iba na. mahirap na sya. anyway, i really want to assure my friend na it will be okay pero hell, how would i know??? or maybe i shouldn’t…ipagpatuloy na lang yung assurance na sabay na lang kami along with his other friends, and especially the love of his life, to tread that risk path. he’s just having his “moment” of uncertainty, of wanting to get out…and i’m not (fully yet). if only for that, i should feel fine and be responsible enough for friends who feel so. anyway, i’m sure naman if it’s my turn to have that real “moment”, alam ko naman andyan din sila. yay, super dramatic.
so far, yung mga nag-transpire in the past weeks made me see na real world na nga ito. it’s not that i haven’t realized it before pero siguro naeexperience ko na kasi eh. medyo chaotic sa office and yung real bosses are not really expected to care the extra mile as long as our day-to-day production is okay, under their supervision. iba kasi ang level ng office politics sa pilipinas, talagang dominated sya emotional sensitivity. mahirap naman gawin tlaga yung “leaving your issues in the office” pero kung talagang gusto, mukha namang workable. i’ve had my share of being pointed at to cause a boss’ disappointment (“ikaw pa, judith, sa lahat ng tao dito, ikaw ang huli kong ineexpect na gagawa ng ganun sa akin” — oh well, siguro dumating na sa “huli”, ginawa ko na eh. gets?). sure, i may have done some form of insubordination there pero siguro i stood by it kaya hindi ko na rin pwedeng sisihin ang sarili ko. now i know that you should not say sorry all the time, no matter how “unchristian” it appears to be. pag hindi bukal sa loob mo, wag mong sabihin. leave it at that. in a workplace, it’s perhaps ideal to aim for harmonious co-existence…dahil yung “one loving family” relationship sa office eh hindi talaga pwede sa anything beyond a 5-person workplace.
i’ve had the pleasure of being the leader for about two months. mahirap, sobrang toxic, pero now that it’s over (oh well, at least until our new supervisor learns the ropes), frankly, i’m gonna miss it. it’s fun to boss people around. hahaha!!! ewan ko nga if time will turn back when open pa ulit yung vacancy for the slot, kung mag-aapply ba ako. anyway, it’s done na so i guess i should simply take pleasure for the stint. it’s not as if i’ll be back to doing mundane work; i am second in line naman. plus it will give me more time to focus on schooling (more on that later) and work on other portfolios (so, plural talaga).
the new supervisor will start tomorrow. i don’t know what to expect…i’ve heard stuff na she’s mabait naman, she’s okay to work with. pero syempre you can’t brush off anxiety and giddy expectations. frankly, on top of my head is the idea na she would feel disappointed upon finding out how and what the job really is. hindi naman sya masama pero in truth, sa umpisa lang sya super exciting, especially if you’re an outsider, kasi there are bazillions of things to learn! i don’t know, i may be pre-judging her…maybe this is the type of work she wants to do (clue: if you wanna slow things down in your life!)…maybe this impression is just from us, yung mga twenty somethings who are still idealistic. part of this anxiety also is my own little snooping (courtesy of google) about her credentials. a celebrity in her own right, a civic worker, a TOWNS awardee no less…oh man, i really don’t know. siguro nga i should not feel or expect things for her. let her realize it for herself. kasi if she really finds na this situation is what she needs after all those years of being up and about in the society…then i should be happy di ba? malamang ilan nga lang siguro sa amin ang nag-iisip na the pasture is way greener somewhere.
hay, next week naman will be hell dahil sa sabay-sabay na gagawin; usual work, yung regional conference, continue stepping up habang the new supervisor is still orienting herself, my grad school application (at ang heart-wrenching nostalgia as i stepped back on the grounds of UP after almost 4 years), renewed family (or let’s say, clan) activities (ang happy tlaga nung ang daming tao…for once, naenjoy ko sya! more on this later, too), and dvd marathons (more on this when i have time naman. let me just say i love my friend doris so much).