i grabbed a copy of sylvia plath‘s the bell jar before going home today. while sipping my first peppermint mocha of the year (which translates to my second starbucks sticker– i know, what an ass), i read the first few pages and came across another set of words which summed up my state, work-wise:
“…I wondered why I couldn’t go the whole way doing what I should anymore. This made me sad and tired. Then I wondered why I couldn’t go the whole way doing what I shouldn’t…and this made me even sadder and more tired.” – The Bell Jar, page 31
i am off to my second counselling session before my american deputy supervisor tomorrow. i don’t know if i will ever get to tell her the gist of what i feel. i have a couple of concrete ideas to say, but i can only pray that i won’t get all too-good-to-be-true to leave out the essence of what i want to convey. an online buddy graciously commented that, “when in doubt, don’t” with regard to my utter indecision to apply for the supervisory position. however, when my officemate casually mentioned my plan of studying, the boss lit up. apparently, she encourages the idea of pursuing higher studies, and hints on being able to move around the work schedule to successfully accomodate both. sounds agreeable on the surface but you don’t know what it did to my already messed up thoughts. see, i’ve made certain that it’s one or the other. it can’t be both. i so hate balanced options.
in some instances, it’s good to have, as they say, the best of two worlds at the same time. but it’s always preferable to feel one emotion, then another, so you can focus on a feeling, and be able to describe it more vividly. like, for instance, allowing yourself to get mad, and after a while slowly letting yourself make peace with someone. this afternoon, a misunderstanding over the content of a text message with Rayan (i so didn’t expect that text messages are so prone to misunderstanding, duh…) had me bitching about, and he, easily snapping with my replies (but he denies it, so for the sake of world peace, let’s accept that contention). it’s petty and obviously a by-product of interpreting a message contrary to the sender’s intention. anyway, for a while, i admitted to feeling so pissed off, and said sorry afterwards. to be fair, the gentleman that he is, he firmly stood with the fact that it was a misunderstanding and not meant to be blown out of proportion, and said sorry, too. such exercise of emotions allows you to discover how human you are. you can’t be real nice all the time, in much the same way as the fact that you can’t be a total grouch forever (and yes, Rayan called me grouchy at one point. bleh.). i’m just thankful that it happened between myself and a friend, because had it not been a friend, i wouldn’t have had the desire to make up with the person. classic kiber. hehehe 😀
in sum, this day taught me how varied emotions are. how many they are, looming over our existence. it’s up to us to choose what to act on, and in the end, be accountable for those choice of emotions.