DILEMMA

Without further ado and those other wishy-washy intro, I am proud to say that I received a Meritorious Step Increase citation today. It was a bit posh of a celebration, unlike the previous one in November (which reminds me that I almost just started blogging when we received that Group Franklin citation). If we had canned sodas and brownies and shanghai sticks before, now we have fruit cups and all those finger food only found in civil society parties. Hahahahaha!!

Anyway, I knew about the citation but no matter how overwhelming it is, lutang nga ako eh–windang–kaya, wala lang. I almost forgot all about it, until I casually asked Tita Beth if it will push through–mind you, not because of the motivation of being awarded such, but because of the increase in pay after it has taken effect. Grabe, mukhang pera talaga ko, hehe.

I was reading again and again the justification part in my nomination sheet and I could not believe that I actually deserve the nomination, much less the award. No kidding. The height na ba ng sister ni Henry Sy (Hypocri Sy)? I just did not expect that the extent of my work will be noticed. If that is the case, humility aside, I could have done more and performed better.

Anyhow, the greedy side of me would think that the citation is long overdue. I have been performing in a capacity that is almost a grade and a half below my personal pay grade. Pero wala pa ring gaanong effect whether I get it soon or later pa.

I have opened this fact to my supervisor a couple of days ago. I compared my feelings toward my job to my feelings for a suitor–tipong I know that I love you because you have everything that I look for…but I can’t seem to tap kung ano yung right buttons to push in my heart to trigger the feelings. I really have no passion…not just with this..but with everything that I do. I would like to believe I lost it 9 years ago and I have made attempts to regain it but all of them were futile. Yes, I do feel happy, overwhelmed…and I have worked well under pressure but it’s not just it. I do not want to subject all my tasks under extreme pressure just to have me perform an extraordinary job. I want to do it because I want to. Since sophomore high, until college especially, I sigh at every lost chance that I could have done better, done something sooner, done extremely well to yield better results.

I am so confused while I should be happy and kinda contented with what’s going on in my career. Erwin told me that I should learn to dislike the opposite of what I do now, to be able to appreciate it more. And of course, who likes to be jobless noh? But on second thought…being unemployed means more time for me to read, more time to sleep, more time to surf and chat, more time to watch TV and DVDs, more time to just sit here and daydream. OMG, is that what I want to do?

Well, before I turn completely insane, I have to say I am amazed by the support I got from my co-workers. My team, most especially…kahit na si Eiselle ginawan ng kababalaghan yung camera ko..wala tuloy akong evidence of the event today…wahahahahaha!!! Seriously, I was touched by the looks of our chief, the Consul General who winked at me after receiving the award and of course, our deputy chief who I will terribly miss, despite her being so stiff and stoic with some cases. This is the sweetest that I got so far, a couple of minutes after the reception:

—–Original Message—–

From: Simmons, Barry K
Sent: Wednesday, May 19, 2004 4:39 PM
To: Octavo, Judith D
Subject: Congrats

Congratulations Judith. I took 2 photos of you receiving your award from the DCM, but I was very far away and the flash worked on only one of the photos. You can be certain that the official photographer got a MUCH better photo of you than I did. Too bad your camera didn’t have a zoom lens!

Barry

I just replied that it’s so sweet of him and I hope that he, Jossie (his wife) and I would get-together soon.

On the lighter side of today’s event, my head still hurts from the effect of too much hair spray. I don’t know how Korina Sanchez managed to hold all that spray in her hair in her entire broadcasting career. It was my same complaint last November (see first few entries in Nov 2003) and boy, it never gets better! I feel it seeping the strands of my hair and stiffening my head as if a very tight helmet was put into it. That’s the dear price I have to pay for keeping my little curls from standing and waving to the crowd.

I also had lunch with Chelli, Tita Beth, Tita Patsy and Tina Malone. It was our going away treat for Tina and Tita Patsy. It was a great lunch, lots of laughs…especially with Tina’s “she has to get a yaya because she has a 4-year old tornado“. Tina is one funny lady, aside from being super nice and super diligent with work…the only one who can think of advertising in the Jeepney Journal for her “SUPER YAYA”. I’m sure Addis Ababa will be happy to have her.

That’s all for now. I am so tired and I have not gotten over my one cup of Nesvita this morning. Yaiks.

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